Wordsmoker

I’m still working on the wizard nails, but meaningful coincidence waits for no one. We must let the astral glide. This week I get a little extra help from a deck of Tarot cards and an open jar of Rubber Cement sitting on my radiator. So prepare to get your stars realigned and your squeeky wheels of fate greased by the gods.

Aquarius: The 4 of Cups. Who are you, Morrissey? You’re always taking everything so personally and pining for the perfect relationship that’s just out of your reach. Try to love your imperfect self and the imperfect one you’re with and save the bed-wetting music for a rainy day.

Pisces: The Moon. Stop tripping on Ambien and putting on weird German wolf masks and then SECRETLY EATING ALL OF MY LEFTOVER HOT WINGS.

Aries: The Wheel Of Fortune. What would Pat Sajak or Vanna do? Maybe you should spin again? Maybe you should stop picking the trusty but boring R, S, T, L, N and toss in a Z or Q. Even if you lose the game you’ll win the hearts of rare consonant lovers everywhere.

Taurus: The Hierophant. Who died and made you Pope? Get off your high horse or throne or Popemobile or whatever and be try to be more open to the winds of change blowing up your robes and tickling your Trinity.

Gemini: The Hermit. Screw all the holiday schmoozing, it’s okay to stay in. Order your booze by taxi and wear a blanket with armholes cut in it. Cultivate gout and grow your hair until you look like Jimmy Page or the Quaker Oats guy.

Cancer: The Seven of Cups. If it looks too good to be true, it probably is. Stay away from Ron Popeil products and men with Clark Gable moustaches.

Leo: The 2 of Pentacles. You’re new to this whole money thing aren’t you? Just buy the essentials: Fancy Feast, lotto tickets, adult diapers, pinwheels and mustard, lots of mustard.

Virgo: The Magician. People know you have shit up your sleeves but they’re still loving the show.

Libra: The 6 of Cups. Remember when relationship stuff wasn’t so complicated? It still doesn’t have to be. Stay away from people with cooties and keep your crushes secret.

Scorpio: The Ten of Swords. Okay, I think you’ve thought about it enough already. No, really, this is one of those things that thinking isn’t ever going to solve. You need to listen to your Heart while you lipsynch and airguitar to Barracuda.

Sagittarius: Strength. Want to know a secret? You’re strong enough for a man but pH balanced for a woman. I don’t really know what that means, but I think you’ll be amazed how much you can do without even breaking a sweat this week. Stay solid!

Capricorn: The 5 of Pentacles. Someone you are close to needs a little something extra, but is too proud to beg. You will be rewarded if you assist them in their time of need. And don’t forget to tip your psychic.