Dating Disasters: ONION MAN FAIL
December 11, 2008 in Strange IM Conversations
Wordsmokers Unfun and VirusWithShoes discuss at some length her various terribly, awfully sucky dates with men of the opposite sex. The latest discussion involved her recent date with a gentleman now forever to be known as ONION MAN.
VirusWithShoes: about the onion man?
Unfun: i mean it was pretty bad, dude asked me out
made me pick up the DINER check cuz he had paid for the stupid tickets which is classy, then tries to feel me up over the movie
VirusWithShoes: LOL STAY CLASSY, ONION MAN
Unfun: doesn’t even walk me two fucking blocks to the damn train
and stands there with a stupid ass look on his face
Unfun: waiting for a kiss
you stay classy, onion man
VirusWithShoes: i’m trying to eat and laugh at the same time here
Unfun: like i felt his burning eyes
Unfun: and i’m fucking INSANELY intent on watching the movie even nodding “yes sean penn! yes! you portray that milk!” i’ve never paid such attention to anything in my life
VirusWithShoes: since we started talking about ONION MAN
Unfun: onion man haha ew vegetarian chili what a doofus
Unfun: who orders that? i swear even the waiter was like, “you sure you want onion?”
VirusWithShoes: SILLY ONION MAN – WAITER KNOWS BEST
Unfun: i’m not even joking the waiter asked twice to make sure the waiter looks at me and he’s thinking, look at that fine piece he’s like sending out male signals dude, forego the onion!!!!!!! fail
VirusWithShoes: CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING FOR DESSERT, SIR? TOOTHBRUSH, MOUTHWASH?
Unfun: something minty? tea maybe, minty tea?
VirusWithShoes: AN UNOPENED CONDOM A PORN MAG, BECAUSE THAT’S ALL THE NUDITY YOU’LL BE SEEING TONIGHT
VirusWithShoes: waiters talk in CAPS, btw
Unfun: CAN I CALL YOU A CAB MADAM, IT’S OBVIOUS YOU’LL BE RETURNING HOME ALONE ANYWAY that’s so funny the waiter made sure that he wanted the onion
VirusWithShoes: HERE – LET ONE OF OUR BUSBOYS WALK YOU TO THE STATION COS THIS PRICK CAN’T FIND HIS WAY AROUND A MENU ON A DATE
Unfun: oh but he sprung for the concession stand what a guy! he got one whole bag of m and m’s
VirusWithShoes: ONION MAN WANT CANDIES!!!!
Unfun: even tho he knew i wanted raisins NO RAISINS!!!!!!!!!!!
VirusWithShoes: GIVE ME YOUR STINKIEST CHOCOLATES
Unfun: no breath freshening fruit dammit!
VirusWithShoes: I WANT BROWN LIPS LIKE SHIT TO GO WITH MY ONION BREATH I’M THE FULL PACKAGE I AM SEXUAL KRYPTONITE
Unfun: ew and i didn’t wanna drink out of his diet coke! who gets diet coke and one straw ew i got up after to get my own water
VirusWithShoes: TRY ME ON FOR HERPES TOO should we just post this conversation instead?
Unfun: yeah haha
VirusWithShoes: ONION MAN WOULD APPROVE
Unfun: i likes it!
VirusWithShoes: MAKE NO EFFORT WITH ONION MAN’S STORY JUST CUT AND PASTE I NEED TO HEAR MOAR ABOUT ONION MAN AND THE EXTENT OF HIS MIGHTY FAILURES
VirusWithShoes: you want to post this or shall i?
Unfun: no i don’t know how wait the end we walk out
VirusWithShoes: THERE’S MOAR?
Unfun: haha he lives on 1st and 12th we are on 3rd and 11th
VirusWithShoes: THAT’S ONION HOOD
Unfun: i am walking to 3rd and 14th he walks me to the corner of 12th and just like, automatically starts walking his direction and i’m like no, i’m going to the L on 14th no question at all!
VirusWithShoes: NO – YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND – ONION MAN GO NOW
Unfun: “ok well i’m going this way.”
VirusWithShoes: THIS WAY
Unfun: Ok so…
VirusWithShoes: ONION MAN NOW GO EAT RAW GARLIC
Unfun: and that awkward fucking moment and he’s like, standing there with his stupid onion breath waiting for a kiss
VirusWithShoes: TO REPEL ALL HUMANS
Unfun: and there is no way in HELL i am kissing that how do i get out of it?!? and he won’t even give me the sympathy hug!
VirusWithShoes: I AM MEAT EATER NOW ONION MAN
Unfun: like what does it take to make it clear onion man, that you ain’t gettin any?
VirusWithShoes: ONION MAN NO HUG YOU – YOU NOT ROOT VEGETABLE
Unfun: was the arm job you were giving me that went completely unreciprocated not enough can i sit any further over in my seat in the opposite direction of you and the onion vapors? can i not make any eye contact with you whatsoever?
VirusWithShoes: COME CLOSE TO ONION MAN
Unfun: like even avoiding him with peripheral vision? none of this gets through to him
VirusWithShoes: DO NOT LOOK IN ONION MAN EYES – THEY ARE WATERING HE CRY ONION TEARS FOR THIS LOSS
Unfun: i held my breath and gave him a quick peck and fucking RAN AWAY “kthxbai!” (burns rubber)
VirusWithShoes: SHAME COS ONION MAN HAVE MANY LAYERS WHY YOU RUN FROM STINKY ONION MAN LITTLE WOMAN?
Unfun: i swear if i had a whiff of onion i woulda barfed
VirusWithShoes: ONION MAN LOVE SMELL OF DATE-VOMIT – COVERS UP ONION MAN’S NATURAL ESSENCE ONION MAN SAD. HE GO HOME TO MASTURBATE OVER PICTURE OF SPRING ONIONS NAKED so, did you call him the next day then?
Unfun: hahaha yeah i thanked him for being a cheap date, molesting me during the james franco/sean penn sex scenes and assaulting me with his noxious mouth air oh and the m&m’s
VirusWithShoes: UR WELCUM
Unfun: but no raisins because god forbid dude shells out the $3.75 knowing i want goddam raisins no WE SHARE PEANUTS AND YOU LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!1 here let me pet your arm
VirusWithShoes: so – if he’d have bought the raisins, maybe a quick boob-feel?
Unfun: can you feel me looking at you? this means we make out now yes? dude you are 40
VirusWithShoes: ONION MAN NOT STARE – HE GLARE EROTIC GLARE
Unfun: these are your moves? god you know what it’s like when someone is wanking your arm? and you don’t want them to be touching you?
VirusWithShoes: i got that on the bus yesterday
Unfun: was he hot?
VirusWithShoes: in a jimmy carter kinda way, yes
Unfun: jimmy carter now or in the 70s? does it matter?
VirusWithShoes: jimmy was always hot
Unfun: i don’t know honey i love the guy but i wouldn’t necessarily wanna bone him
VirusWithShoes: i love deeply religious procastinators well, you obviously haven’t experienced a jimmy carter lookalike wanking your arm on the bus back into town.