To whom it may concern:

The world is a very complex, involved place. While you do not feel the need to report on the endless conflict in Sri Lanka, the fact that Joe Wilson (R-Douchebag) inadvertently raised $800k for his opponent, and the “public health care option” is a mindless concession to bureaucrats who already have terrific insurance, you insist on publishing a daily piece chastising fat women. Today’s special, “Once Bullied, Token Fat Girl Sheds 110 lbs”, really spoke to me, MSNBC.

Dear Mr. Carter a.k.a. “Lil Wayne” a.k.a. “Weezy”,

When Gene Siskel prematurely departed this mortal coil ten years ago, the responsibility of determining the aesthetic criteria for the success of any mainstream movie fell solely on Roger Ebert’s corpulent lap. For a few years thereafter, the Siskel void found itself filled with a weird cavalcade of b-team celebrities and critics until Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun Times fellow and poor Siskel facsimile, took up residence in its lanky, becardiganed shadow.