There’s a turdlet in my toilet bowl.

It startles me when I see it in the toilet bowl as I reach down to unzip my fly.

Small and round, it must have calved off a larger turd right after I took a dump this afternoon.

I can almost see it now, slowly making its way back up the sewer tubes, fighting the toilet water after I tried to flush it down, yearning for one last good bye.

And what do I do? How do I respond? I piss on it and flush it down again.

Such is life when you’re nothing but a smallish piece of shit.

Goodbye, turdlet. It was good seeing you again.

Not really.

I am standing naked in front of the full length mirror near the entrance of my hotel room. I am listening to Jazz. Bill Evans on the piano. The lighting is dim in my hotel room.

I like it that way.

I learned my appreciation for dim lighting and low-level light sources such as table lamps from my grandparents, whose home was always dimly lit as far back as I can remember.

1. Drive a van.

2. Sport a mustache.

3. When you talk to girls, try to look as though you want to lick their face.

4. Go jogging wearing nothing but a pair of sneakers and a banana hammock.

1.  Exodus—Leon Uris:  Oh, so that’s how the modern state of Israel was born from the ashes of the Holocaust.  You can fuck with the Jews, but you can’t keep us down forever.  Also, Nazis = bad news.

2.  In The Heart of the Sea—Nathaniel Philbrick:  Don’t fuck with whales.  They might be cute and friendly-looking sea mammals but if you mess with them long enough, eventually, they WILL. FUCK.  YOU.  UP!

Ok friends. Check this out. Maybe you’re hung over. Maybe you’re a little blue. Maybe you’re depressed out of your fucking skull. Maybe you’re just so sick of it all. Maybe you’re just bored or maybe you’ve actually become ennui incarnate.

Whatever the reason, if you’ve ever thought about offing yourself or perhaps just overdosing a little on your favorite narcotic but were worried that you didn’t have the right background music for a peaceful death, or near-death experience, well then you’re in luck, because here’s the soundtrack you’ve been looking for!

Ok friends, check this out. It’s cold outside. Maybe it’s snowing. Maybe you want to stay in and cuddle with your special someone. Maybe you just want to stay in and get fucked up and maybe cuddle with yourself.

Either way, the next time you’re feeling romantic, do this and let me know how it goes.

Winter finally came to Miami but it did not bring any cold. It looks cool and wet outside, but it’s ridiculously warm and humid, particularly for December. I stand at my window and look at the street below, glistening in the rain. The hiss of traffic tyres on concrete is clearly audible here, six stories up, on the other side of the sliding glass doors that line my balcony.

Chicken. Chicken is quite possibly the funniest word in the English language. No? Anyway, the chicken (Gallus gallus domesticus) is a domesticated fowl. As one of the most common and widespread domestic animals, and with a population of more than 24 billion in 2003, there are more chickens in the world than any other bird. Humans keep chickens primarily as a source of food, consuming both their meat and their eggs.

This is a list of ten women. Ten beautiful women. Ten ladies I really like. Because, why not? We all enjoy a good list and the subject of ladies is a perennial favorite around these parts. And yeah, I’ll be the first to admit that this is probably an infantile, sophomoric, virtually meaningless exercise. That making a list of extraordinarily attractive women only furthers the cultural paradigms by which women are objectified and so on. But, I’m sure we can all agree that women are the greatest thing on Earth and if it weren’t for women, none of us would even be here. So it is in this spirit of celebration and beauty that I offer up this here list of BJonston’s top ten favorite women.*

This blew me away.  Nothing terribly witty to say about it.  Just crazy shit that happens.

(Something caught your eye in the world wide web that you’d like to share with others? Then just send a linky and a sentence into the usual address and it will appear like magic here. MAGIC.)

“Three great forces rule the world: stupidity, fear and greed.” – Albert Einstein

In Part I of this series we explored a few of the many reasons why I, your humble guide, have come to the inescapable conclusion that the city of Miami “sucks.”

Surprise, surprise, surprise, high fat diets make people stupid AND lazy.

Miami. The word conjures many images. Palm trees. Beaches. Fast cars. Supermodels. Bikinis. Cubans. Cuban coffee. Cubans drinking Cuban coffee while checking out the supermodels in bikinis walking on the beach or under palm trees, along streets lined with Ferraris and Lamborghinis. That’s the postcard image. And in Miami, image is everything. Unfortunately, it’s the only thing.

These two “Swedes” were obviously from Miami. I’m pretty sure they just said they were from Sweden to protect their identity.

(Yes – it’s a new type of column here at Playboy Wordsmoker. Quick Puffs are little things that have caught your attention on the web and that you’d like to share with others. Just send a linkie and a sentence or two to the usual address and Your Horny Editor will do the rest)

I humbly and respectfully submit the following list of ten things I’ve never seen, done or had, for your reading pleasure. Hope you enjoy reading about my sorry ass.

1. I never much cared for Scarface. My dislike of all things Oliver Stone can be traced back to this sorry-ass movie. I think it is one of the most overrated films of all time.

Living as I do in Miami, I know a thing or two about Cubans. And let me tell you, Al Pacino couldn’t do a decent Cuban accent to save his life, yet somehow his has become the paradigmatic Cuban accent for the rest of time.