The Smokies – Tale of Two Bathrooms Edition

In January of 2010, a mismatched group of bloggers gathered in a random bar in the West Village. As will happen when heroic men and women assemble for the free exchange of ideas, copious amounts of alcohol were consumed. I don’t know if I was the first Smoker to venture off to the bathroom that night, but having the bladder of a hamster, there’s a good chance that it was me.

Upon discovering that the nearest unisex bathroom was occupied, a helpful passerby advised me that there was another just a few feet away. This one was vacant. There was very little to like about this most necessary of all rooms. About the size of a closet, with a standard ceramic toilet and matching sink. The floor was covered with a fluid that was too viscous and opaque to just be water. The paint on the standpipe was chipped and covered with various doodlings. It was a fairly standard disgusting bar bathroom. However, I knew that as long as everyone kept their wits about them, there wouldn’t be a problem. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Apparently, the bathroom that I lucked into was by far the superior of the two. The alternate, nearer bathroom was forged in the bowels of Hell itself. All five senses were assaulted every time it opened its ugly maw. People would go in and be absorbed into the filth until the matter that used to make up their bodies would become part of the collective sludge. As did their souls. While entering once may not have meant a certain death, no one was going to survive two trips into the belly of the bathroom beast.

The uninitiated may ask why we wouldn’t just avoid the trap altogether? Surely, if we waited, the good bathroom would eventually vacate and the crisis would be averted. Right? It was the alcohol that made it impossible, my friends. The urgency of our bladders pressed us towards an expedient – if unwise – choice. In addition, as the Satan’s Sunny-D kicked in, it became difficult to remember which restroom was safe and which was the gateway to Hades. I am reminded of the story The Lady, or the Tiger, where a young prisoner has to choose between two doors. One door leads to a really cool tiger and one leads to a woman that he has to be stuck with for his entire life. I’m not going to tell you how that one ends because the jack-off writer did one of those “make up your own finish” things, but just remember that you can always get a new pet tiger if you don’t like the one you have and the old one doesn’t get half of everything that you own.

How we didn’t lose any Wordsmokers that night remains a mystery. At one point, a couple of Satan’s minions materialized in the form of douche-bags and tried to pull Strawberry Shortcake into their disgusting keep by baiting her with a penis, but Bookish managed to break their evil spell. Next time be more careful, Strawberry. No penis is worth dying over.

The Smokies:

BookishLookish/I Hope This Apple Thing Is Like Fucking Jennifer Aniston:

“Put a ball gag on Jen and she might be fun in a vanilla-y sort of way. But that voice? Ack.”

(If she had a good or even normal voice, it would prove the existence of God, and then everybody would have to settle down with their wars and hatred. Her voice is horrid for a divine reason.)

MamaPenguino/I Hope This Apple Thing Is Like Fucking Jennifer Aniston:

“What I would find difficult about an ongoing sexual relationship with her is what she might like to talk about. I cannot abide listening to people talk about their work-outs and I don’t really care about movies so much. She probably has a kind heart, but I don’t see us having spirited discussions late into the night. And my (very minor) pack-rat problem would no doubt grate on her nerves. No, I see me only being able to sustain a single one-night stand with her. After that, I’d have to move on. She’s pretty and sparkly, but not someone I’d want for the long haul. I’m sorry, Jennifer. Ultimately? You’re just not my type. But really, it’s me, not you. I swear.”

(I want MamaPenguino to break up with all of my famous actress girlfriends for me.)

CaptainFantastic/I Hope This Apple Thing Is Like Fucking Jennifer Aniston:

“So, how does one earn their red wings on this Apple thingy? Run Windows 7 on it, maybe?”

(Nominated by MamaPenguino. Why is it that Windows 7  jokes are always such crowd pleasers?)

MamaPenguino/Mother Nature? Totally Jewish:

“Huh. This sounds so very interesting and yet this kind of article is quite different from your usual sort of comedy. Was it difficult to be serious for a moment?

Oh, I don’t think this was a serious sort of article at all. Haven’t you read the tags?

Well, no. I don’t go straight for the tags, but I know there are those who do. Does this article have hidden metadata attached?

(This is part of MamaP interviewing herself. There is no way that I could post the entire comment. Sance, my former protege and now cruel overlord, has actually become quite bossy about posting too much text. Read MamaP’s entire comment here.)

RosaLuxembourgeoise/The Detox Diaries, Part 1:

“WWWHD? (What Would Werner Hertzog Do?)”

(Being a cop with a degree in Business Administration, I had no idea who Werner Hertzog was. Now that I saw your video, I too want to do what he would.)

BellTolls/The Detox Diaries, Part 1:

“Nina STAY AWAY FROM ALL SARAH MCLACHLAN. If you hear she is on the street, lock all doors and windows and sing, “La-la-la-la-la-la.” And know I wish you very, very well.”

(Sound advice for all of us.)

Baroness/The Detox Diaries, Part 1:

“My kind shrink then told me he preferred older medicines because he did not fully trust the newer models, their long term effects, as he manually pleasured me in the Viennese clinic for Lady-Problems.”

(Although it was later told in the comment that this is not entirely true, it had kind of a transgressive quality that I thought popped in a field of otherwise serious comments.)

LawyerGay/The Detox Diaries, Part 1:

“Feeling “Anne Sexton” for too long means both being brilliant and killing oneself. As a reader both of Sexton’s poems and her biography, that has always seemed like a bad deal for Sexton. But what do I know?”

(As someone who has read neither, I still recognize a witty observation. Smoked.)

BookishLookish/Random Movie Recommendation: Hors de Prix/Priceless:

“My idea of foreplay is someone whispering in my ear: ‘Bamberger’s, I. Magnin, Marshall Field, B. Altman, Bon Marche, Sterns, Ohrbach’s, Gimbels…’ Then to bite my neck at the exact correct moment and utter, ‘Fortunoff, Fortunoff!’”

(I’ve been working on saying this with a Scottish brogue since that also seems to be what you ladies are into.)

StrawberryShortcake/The Ten Best Ways To Impress A Woman:

“so this is what this lady’s perfect date goes like?:

Lady- Hi, it’s good see you

Man- You too. How was your afternoon?

L-Oh it was fine, how about you?

M- It was good, I talked to my ex about getting my bathrobe back from her. She has this weird thing about stealing clothing from me and returning it later. It is cute in a she might kill me kind of way.

L-Do you wanna go back to my place for a beer?

M-Yes, here I”ll get the check, go get a cab. I want to watch your ass in that dress as you walk away.

*back at her place*

M- Take you clothes off now! Your place is such a dump, let’s turn the lights off so I don’t have to look at it or your flabby arms while I fuck you doggy style. I love the look of your back.

L-ok

*the next day on the phone*

M-Thanks for the blow job last night. You are alright at that. Better then you dumbass friend Lisa.”

(I couldn’t figure out any way to shrink this down, so Sance be damned. Word economy tyrant.)

HelmanGiraffe/Adam’s Word Of The Day – Ra’ora’oa:

“I’m confident Scooby-Doo would pronounce this word correctly.”

(Nominated by Virus. Endorsed by the Society for the Preservation of Formulaic Animated Television Series.)

WhyAmIHere?/Musical Doppelganger:

“If you knew Chillbear when he was younger you would see it. Now he is more like Chuck Norris.”

(This was a shot across the bow if I’ve ever seen one. Fucking bastard.)

“The Blind Side??? You have GOT to be shitting me. And Sandra Bullock?? (Also, Whyamihere, she is NOT the best looking woman in the category SHUT UP). Where is Tilda Swinton for Julia. And if Up wins of Mr. Fox, my head will explode. These nominations chafe my ass.”

“I don’t even know what ‘The Blind Side’ is. I assumed it was ordinary dreck? Wait, I’ll look it up…OH! Hahahaha, it’s THAT thing. Har.I’ll happily go to my grave not seeing ‘Precious’, though. They can keep it over on the Dakota Fanning getting raped shelf.”

“I’m the father of a 10-week-old daughter. It won’t be too much longer before I start debating the merits of Grover vs. Cookie Monster and having serious discussions about My Little Fucking Pony. Might as well just turn in my man card now and start debating color schemes and home decor.”

BL: “I don’t really care about the Oscars, so I made my own awards ceremony, AND IT’S NAKED!”

HC: “OK, so why is the geigh the only one who noticed that BookishLookish has her own awards show, and. it’s. nude. That totally makes me regret my fatty, sugary breakfast this morning.”

“I realized early on that I could NOT do the SSRI’s, as they totally and completely kill my vagina and ability to orgasm (so prozac, paxil, zoloft, they are all out, sadly).”

(I liked that sex drive trumped mental well being. Way to have your priorities straight, Unfun.)

DahlELama/The Ten Best Ways To Impress A Woman:

“See, I was confused about #4, because I was taught that being tight is a good thing, but then I realized that it probably means something else in British.”

(But even if it does, still so hot.)

Sarcastro/The Ten Best Ways To Impress A Woman:

“I enjoy running about pantsless and engorged while bellowing “I got a salami that needs hiding.” Clearly I am the man for this ladyperson.”

(I thought Perverseus was the only one who did this.)

VirusWithShoes/The Ten Best Ways To Impress A Woman:

“(I’m regretting there were ten of these now). Yeah, so don’t hide your appreciation. If she tries on a new dress and looks nice in it, whip out your already engorged penis and start masturbating in front of her immediately.”

(Sorry, V. You were nominated for a Pokie by MissPeacock and it’s rude not to accept nominations. Normally Virus refuses awards. He’s kind of like Woody Allen that way.)

The Mechanical Larynx:

SamuraiPandaPoetry/Superbowl, Film Nerd Style:

(Damn you for making me a stereotype, Panda.)

But because we haven’t had the Smokies for two weeks, a second Mechanical Larynx is awarded to…

RosaLuxembourgeoise/The Detox Diaries, Part 1:

(Do you have any idea of the kind of paperwork that I would have to fill out if this happened to me? For that alone, I would be flipping out.)

The Iron Lung:

It has been two long weeks since we had an Iron Lung winner. I was fortunate this week, because there was a nomination from MamaPenguino. Were it not for that, I would have relied on a series of meaningless tiebreakers that I have developed to deal with indecision. For example, in the event of a tie, the piece that was interrupted the least number of times by my cell phone while I was reading it wins. It’s not fair, but that is why I stress the importance of nominations. This week’s winner is:

NinaHagen/The Detox Diaries, Part 1:

“Oh no! Nina has a problem? What could it be? She looks too good to have a meth problem. Coke? Mary Jane? Hashish? Pills? Certainly not smack although many people are functioning heroin addicts. Maybe that’s why she’s always broke! What could it be? She always seems so happy and well-adjusted. Well folks, there lies the key. I quit my happy & well-adjusted pills. I stopped taking anti-depressant medication on December 30th, 2009. It’s been one wild month.”

(And of course, the Academy wishes her luck with her decision to try to go it without the anti-depressants. We’re looking forward to a Part 2.)

God of Literature, please forgive me for adding one more “Tale of Two _____” title to the millions of “clever” pieces that have already plagiarized Dickens.

In case any of you didn’t read this where I’ve written it elsewhere, thank you for the honor of meeting many of you at the meet-up. I hope to attend more in the future.

Next up: Rene Sance.