The Ashtray – From Kirk Cameron To A Penguino
Published: November 30, 2009
Hello my beauties! See how beginning a paragraph with a sentence ending in an exclamation mark completely belies the fact that I’m almost drowning in a flood of tiredness? I don’t know what’s up with me – besides clinical depression – but I am mulling ingesting LSD and connecting some of my toes to a car battery while inhaling a range of commercial solvents in an attempt to kick-start myself, somehow. I’ll let you know how it goes. Enough of my personal issues – on with the re-cap of stuff posted last week. Don’t Stop Believin’!
Kirk Cameron Wants To Help Unbrainwash You!
Sexy sex-bucket of sensual sexiness Strawberry Shortsex highlights someone called Kirk Cameron and his attempts to unfuck your collective minds. I’ve never heard of this twat-in-braces, so I’m anti-grateful for her introduction. For this, I’ve taken away her orgasm allowance for four hours next Sunday.
Proof That 2012 Will Truly Be The End Of The World
BellTolls is the canary in the coal mine, playing a strange tune on a bird-sized ukulele, warning us of the changes changing our changing planet. This one was about what appears to be a relative of Joe Lieberman with an elongated neck singing a selection of Sondheim showtunes. All parts of that previous sentence are terrifying, and I picture BellTolls whimpering at copies of National Geographic IN NIGHTMARES.
Life And Death In A Small Town
Oh, this was good, and balances out all the inane shite I write about goblins. Anna talks about the death of Jamie Cherrington, a resident of Maple Corner, Calais, in Vermont. It’s one of those posts where you don’t really know how to comment on without sounding trite, but both Belltolls and Nefarious Newt managed it, to their credit. It was hard for me not to wish for a simpler life after reading this.
Yes – after the delicate and touching story of Jamie Cherrington, resident of Maple Corner, Calais, Vermont – Wordsmoker veers into a slightly hallucinogenic, sub-heliocentric hinterland of madness, as we continue following the discussions of The Worrywart and Latterday Lenin. There is not one sentence in this “discussion” that isn’t funny or hilariously disturbing in some kaleidoscopic manner, and by rights should be given a season on HBO featuring handpuppets fashioned from raw liver. RAW LIVER PUPPETS.
Motivate Me. Inspire Me. Or Shoot Me.
Perpetual sad-cock VirusWithShoes notices something hasn’t been posted for a bit, and dashes some nonsense off in 26 minutes. The best thing about this post was the cute picture of the baby seal sleeping on its back.
New Intern Hired At Wordsmoker
Your Editor discovers a HILARIOUS moving picture of a cat answering a phone, then not saying anything, and writes some words around it because he’s not a fan of just posting video clips, unless it’s something seriously mind-fucking from arch-mind-fucker Senor Wences. Article allows Your Editor to poke fun at Senor Wences. Poke!
Caption This – Double Palin Special
VirusWithBlues posts an image he stole from Wonkette – hid it under his jacket, he did. Sneaked it out from underneath Ken Layne’s nose, he did. BC won the contest with the first comment, he did.
Strawberry Shortcake – whose name got mentioned in Jennifer’s Body, and which then made Your Editor laugh out loud because it was so meta – writes some unsettling fiction. Unsettling because it was an insight into the MIND OF A WOMAN thinking things about her boyfriend while he did useless man-things, like men do. Useless men. Useless. I hope she writes more like this, but with a 34% increase in boob-talk.
Smokin’ Comment: BellTolls Chimes In
Half-man half-leopard Chillbear Latrigue highlights a comment from that weak-ass post from VirusWithShoes asking for motivation. THIS COMMENT DIDN’T MOTIVATE HIM WHATSOEVER, BTW BECAUSE IT INVOLVED “LEAVING THE HOUSE”. Motivation=Fail. Comment=Win.
Your Thanksgiving Thoughts Here
Virus does one of those “ask the commenters” things, and some commenters comment on things, the thing in question being popular Icelandic import “Thanksgiving”, which may have occurred last week amongst some of you.
Don’t Watch This Video About Polar Bears Falling From The Sky
Virus embeds some video about polar bears falling from the sky and then implores you not to watch it, which I’m guessing about 87% of you didn’t. Well done!
There’s nothing more relaxing than watching meat being carved by a man in comfortable clothes. Nothing.
Man Operating At Half-Speed Asks If Obama Will Pardon A Turkey
Eugenics is under-rated.
Let’s Get Rich, Huh, What Do Ya Say?
Strawberry J.Kake RowingWithHerDog distills the Joseph Campbell-esque Mythos of Harry Potter ETC and asks you to get rich writing about sparkly vampires and talking otters wearing nice hats or something. The phrase “Twilight Lady” makes this all worthwhile, and that’s only in the first sentence, bitches!
More Proof 2012 Will Truly Be The End Of The World
More worrying worry from constant-worrier BellTolls. This one’s about thirsty, feral camels in Australia breaking down houses to eat toilets and growl at babies. A pattern is forming, I’ll agree.
Never Forget: Dana Perino Is A Fucking Moron
Blonde hate-fuck Dana Perino says something stupid, somewhere, like always.
An Exercise In The High Palin Style
Feral, Australian camel “Latterday Lenin” stops stomping on toilets and growling at babies to channel THAT WOMAN NO-ONE SHOULD MENTION and her babbling nonsense. Two people commented, so the rest of you are fired.
Celebrity Shame: Special Thanksgiving Special
Yes, it’s coming up to the Wordsmoker Anniversary, and out of sheer boredom VirusWithShoes resurrects an old favorite of his – Celebrity Shame. You probably don’t get as much joy from it as he does from writing it, but that’s okay, because what is writing if not it’s own reward? The same goes for “tits”.
Smokin’ Comment: Helman Giraffe On That Dana Perino Thing
Helman Giraffe comments “Fucking Hairy Gorilla” on the Dana Perino thing and it makes Your Editor laugh. Uncivilly Obedient – a robot from the future – posts some Autotuned News in the comments and everything is beautiful, like pixie noses, for once.
Yay! A welcome return from Hydroceph! Here he rants against Thanksgiving, turkeys, homeless cheese and violent macaroni veterans AND THAT’S ONLY IN THE SECOND PARAGRAPH. What a fucking bargain! Seriously, though – it’s nice to hear from him again. MWAH!
Your Super-Secret Thanksgiving Open Thread
During Thanksgiving the internet runs only on a weak current dribbling from three solar panels in Ohio, so everyone stops everything on the web and Your Editor knows this because he is mostly sentient. Here, he uses cunning and guile to construct an Open Thread, hidden in plain sight, so you can comment about how horrid or horridly-beautiful your Thanksgiving experience is. 79 comments so far, and it’s the most popular post since 2003’s “Shoot This Cunt In The Face” post, with a picture of Newt Gingrinch beside it (804 comments).
Centron Corporation, Inc. Wishes You and Yours a Happy Thanksgiving
Because he is a communist, Senor Wences does not celebrate any festive-thing, and instead scours the darkest recesses of Google’s underarms to find surreal moving picture footage to disturb your senses with. Senor Wences tastes like chicken and anger.
The Wordsmoker Colony – Planet Helene
Shockingly under-valued column “The Wordsmoker Colony” is propped up by the wonderful Helene, who writes some choices here involving Roger Federer clones and Bach. Article includes a robot nanny who will beep your babies.
Five Second Movie Review – Black Friday Edition
Even though we’ve had a long review of “The Road”, here’s another from Nina Hagen, you bastards.
Smokin’ Comment: Mama Penguino on Thanksgiving
Smokin’ Comments are great. They fill up some electric space on GLORIOUS SERVER that would only be used for possible pornography, I’m guessing – who knows what we share disk space with. It’s got to be more profitable than this, surely. Anyway – Rene Sance – a man who makes horses jealous – highlights a considerable Thanksgiving rant from Mama Penguino over a period of I’m guessing about 8 hours and over 25 different comments, only some of which included either screaming or weeping, so we all had a laugh THE END.
That’s it for this week, internet voyeurs of all shapes and smells. Next week’s The Ashtray will feature different stories no doubt, so why not print of all of this week’s articles for posterity. Or you can maybe use them to barter for fuel when the Palin Apocalypse happens in 2010? Who knows? I don’t. DO YOU?
I do like to worry. But when the seals and camels are parading around your home singing show tunes don’t say you weren’t warned. Next week: “Science Proves Raccoons Sing Scat Just Before Being Hit By Cars On Lonesome Highways.”
And yes, “Small Town” was big good.
GOD. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in my own petty life, I would have written a deep and meaingful comment about Small Town. I DID read it and it was lovely and pastoral. I empathized to an extent given I, too, live in a small town, except I feel a lot of irritation with the people in my town, so I guess if my neighbor kicked the bucket, I wouldn’t really be able to write such a moving piece. (It’s all about me me me.) Anna has a way with words, that’s for sure.
Oh – I forgot to mention that everyone should read – nay, worship – Celebrity Shame, because it contains the sentence:
Which is the only good thing I wrote last week.
You can take away oragsms? Was that I. The fine print f my intership contract? I know there was large print about your ability to give oragsms but I don’t remember there being anything about taking them away.
@Strawberry Shortcake: Virus giveth, and he taketh away…
@Virus: Okay – just submitted my three guesses to celebrity shame. Exciting! And yes, loved the panicked raccoon eyes.
@Virus: Oh. So you do read what’s on here. Interesting.
Jeebus commenting via iPhone is hard!
Chill- Virus sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake; he knows if you’ve been bad or good and only gives a fuck if you can somehow make him laugh
@Strawberry Shortcake: Or if you’re a nubile and horny female…