Representing The Religious Rant
Published: November 12, 2009
I married a guy who is more religious than I am. Not by leaps and bounds, mind you–we both grew up observing the minutiae of Orthodox Judaism, like not activating electricity, cooking, or driving on the Sabbath; not eating packaged food which does not bear a mark of kosher supervision; shaking palm fronds and citrons and eating in huts on Sukkot and forgoing the five grains on Passover. You name the insanity, and we’ve observed it.
We’ve looked odd for praying in public, we’ve planned trips around kosher food access, and we’ve asked people to hold keys, push elevator buttons, and let us open our own wine bottles. Honestly, at this point, I can longer explain all the things I do, and I have never been able to say with complete 100% certainty that I am sure there is a God. Intellectually, I suppose you would say I’m an Agnostic, because no, I don’t think you can prove there is a God, and there’s no part of me that believes that it’s rational or moral to believe that it is. But I don’t care, because I like what being religious–or, perhaps, observant is a better word–has done for me. It ensured that there would be at least one day a week in which I would spend time with my father, because even though work had him coming home around ten or eleven every night, Sabbath forbade him from taking time away from his family on Friday night and Saturdays. It gave me a community that felt like a home away from home at a college that is notorious for, well, feeling like anywhere but home. I could go on, but there’s no point–all I really mean to say is that I like being an Orthodox Jew, not because I “need God in my life” but because I like what it has given to my life. Had I not been born into it, I don’t think I would have ever sought it out–I find religious observance neither a necessity nor a virtue–but I was, and I find it agrees with me.
However, like I said, my husband is a little more religious. This manifests itself in ways that are generally irrelevant, like that fact that he prays every morning donning a tallis and tefillin (i.e. a prayer shawl and phyllacteries) or wears a yarmulke everywhere, even to work. Occasionally, this manifests itself in ways that erupt in little disagreements, like when we discover that we’ve accidentally left the refrigerator light on over the Sabbath and I don’t give a rat’s ass but he thinks we should immediately take out all the food we need for that meal so that we don’t need to open the fridge again. To these incidents, I have my stock response: “Leave me the hell alone when what I’m doing in no way affects you.” And no matter how many times he gets annoyed about it, to his credit, he does.
There’s something about that stock response that holds a ton of weight to me. I am doing what I think is acceptable, what I think makes sense. I do not have a problem with my actions, I do not consider them a sin, and I am not asking to be rebuked or even saved. So F off.
Even the most religious of us pick and choose when it comes to our religious observance, whether it’s praying every single morning that you’re cheating people and charitable foundations out of tens of millions of dollars, or committing murder to combat immodesty, or condemning homosexuality while committing adultery. Sometimes, it’s as simple as refusing to turn on the TV on the Sabbath but being OK with opening a fridge with the light on. And yet, on the whole, despite the fact that essentially every religious person displays enormous hypocrisy in some form or another, nearly everyone who claims to be representing religion in the public eye seems to pick and choose the exact same Thou Shalt Nots. Thou shalt not love who you want to love. That shalt not marry whom you want to marry. Thou shalt not abort a fetus even if you are in no condition to care for it, even if giving birth to it will endanger your life, even if you fit into every freaking one of the State of Oklahoma’s Thirty-Seven Excellent Reasons Why Not.
But they do not speak for everyone. Because many, many of us have picked and chosen in a completely different fashion. Many of us have abstained from sex before marriage, but fully believe that accurate sex education needs to be taught in schools (which it was in my Yeshiva high school, by the way) and that easy access to condoms and other contraceptives is an extremely important issue. Many of us follow everything from Leviticus to observing the Shemitah year in Israel to not getting tattoos, but refuse to accept the description of the act of homosexual love as an abomination and 1000% support gay marriage. Many have us have chosen to support a woman’s right to choose. Period.
In case you haven’t guessed, I count myself among those “many.” As far as I’m concerned (and yes, I am confessing that I have strongly Libertarian leanings), all people need to be treated like me and my troublesome refrigerator–leave them the hell alone when what they’re doing in no way affects you. On the whole, Gays and women seeking abortions are doing what they think is acceptable, what they think makes sense. They do not have a problem with their actions, they do not consider them a sin, and they are not asking to be rebuked or even saved. This means that it does not fucking matter if you find “opposite marriage” unacceptable because your Bible says so. You pick and choose every fucking day. So pick basic civil rights. Pick equality for everyone. Choose to let a woman save her own life, whether literally or metaphorically. Choose to try to “fix” someone who steals or cheats, not someone who is looking for happiness with the person they love. Choose to discard “homosexuality is an abomination unto the Lord” the same way you’ve chosen to discard “Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.” Pick and choose basic human decency over being afraid of something you just don’t understand. Pick someone’s brain about what it’s like to be discriminated against. Choose not to be an ignorant asshole claiming to represent the entire religious right.
Because I am one of the religious right, and you sure as hell do not represent me.
Bravo! Bravo! This is so awesome, Dahl, and I could not agree more. When I was in the process of converting to Judaism, my rabbi told me that my God would be whatever God I wanted even if I wanted no God. I hinted at this in a previous post, but I chose (and have always believed in) pantheism. My rabbi assured me this in no way conflicted with Reform Judaism. A few weeks after that, I was talking to my old college roommate, a woman I hardly ever speak to only because we’ve exhausted everything we have to say to one another, and her response was, “You can’t do that. If you’re going to convert, you have to believe what they say to believe.” Um, no, Martha, I don’t. Every day people pick and choose – I’ve heard it called Cafeteria-style religion – and yet those same people who are picking and choosing are judging someone else for their selections. So freaking hypocritical. Thank you for this. I always knew you were a strong voice of reason. And I knew you were my kind of Jew when you told me you wanted to change your name to MacDougall. Love you!
*CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP*
What astonishes me about everyone who uses their faith as a blunt instrument, determined to “save” everyone via their “superior” morality, is that they fail to consider that the Constitution forbids the government (and by extension, all governments underneath that umbrella) from imposing a religious choice upon the people. Many assume that this simply means the government can’t enforce one religion over any other, but they would be only half right. By making freedom of religion part of Amendment 1 of the Bill of Rights, along with freedom of Speech and The Press, the founders were in effect saying: everyone has the right to be who they are, say what they will, and enjoy the freedoms of liberty and justice. So not only does the First Amendment keep the government from establishing a religion, it makes it possible for someone of any belief system to be an American, and not be required to follow the precepts of any other belief system.
The Founding Fathers recognized that, even in their age, America was a pluralistic society. They knew that it would never cease to be so, and it was important for all Americans to be free to worship as they chose, free of fear that they would be persecuted for their beliefs. No wonder, given so many of the founders were Masons, who were big believers in saying that it didn’t matter what god you believe in — everyone could have a conversation about god nonetheless. Mind you, they were tacitly admitting to looking down upon atheists, but they did not make a big deal of it.
Jews have had to adapt, that’s why we are still on this planet, but we have to be respectful of our ancestors and our past and the laws of our people, or else we are not Jews. That’s kind of the crux of what you need to know.
I was exposed to orthodoxy throughout my life but I did not pursue it, yet I will defend it. It is one of the ways of being Jewish and if you spend the time to understand it, it is not strange at all. My congregation is reform and the rabbi who leads us is gay, and I suspect the cantor is too. It’s a non-issue. We are not a vast people and we cannot throw people away, we bring them in.
So, yeah, I maintain that there aren’t enough Jews in this world to make a mob: We go for quality, not quantity, and we don’t ask anyone for any favors, we just get it done, honey. Stand there in awe or get the fuck out of our way, you choose.
Dahl, you’re a kosher cutie who anyone would be proud to know. Nice work.
Dahl, I am on my way out of work right now, and will sit down and write a longer, more thoughtful response later this evening, but I wanted to let you know right this second how much I enjoyed reading this, and how much I admire you for being who you are.
Dahl, my love, my everything. I want to print this out, keep it in my wallet, and hand it to all the “haters” I encounter so often in the South. Every time I start to loose hope in humanity something like this comes along to lift my spirits for just long enough…Brava!
This is simply gorgeous — thank you for sharing your awesomeness.
My “cafeteria Catholic” grandmother would cheerfully concur. Non-assholeish people of faith, represent!
@BL: Good point. I defend the orthodox, too. Our synagogue is so tiny that we have folks from all walks – anyone stuck in Kansas, I guess. Usually it’s the Israelis arguing with the Orthodox – the rest of us just do our thing. Our president is Reconstructionist, some others are Conservative, but most of us are Reform or have moved to Reform from a more stringent upbringing.
Thought I couldn’t love you more, DahlE, but I was quite wrong. Thank you for this heartfelt and thoughtful post. May I say, whenever I read your writing here and elsewhere, your lovely personality shines through in a distinct, elegant, sincere and gently humourous way. Whether we’re talking about politics, Gossip Girl, or cheeseburgers, you are always “you”, DahlE. Does that make sense? I love how one can recognize voice and personalities through their writing, we are all so distinct. And as I said, you shine for me that way. J’adore.
I especially have long admired your being observant in your faith, and gently explaining some of the intricacies of that. I’ve learned a lot from you, and I respect the strength you find in it. That you blend it with such compassion, heart and dare I say liberalism, as in your essay here, is something quite beautifully unique on the Internet, I find. I was very moved by your description of how the rituals of your observance made you feel closeness to your family, traditions you grew up with, your father. Family is important, and if we’re lucky we get one we love, and it really is something to cherish in the time we have on Earth.
I’m agnostic too, I don’t know. I envy my father’s faith, and fearlessness about what comes next after this life. I wish I had that. Best to you, Dear DahlE, this was a wonderful essay, personal and thoughtful. Thanks.
(My Lady Marchmain-esque mother would like to remind everyone that Protestantism is a fad that will blow over soon. Any day now! Especially in Scotland.)
@Baronness: So long as you don’t fall for the unseen hook and the invisible line, you should emerge unscathed.
@Baroness: Oh, if only!
@Dahl. I don’t know a lot of Jewish people, but a few times at the church I’ve gone to, someone will mention Orthodox Jews and how they will not (like you said) turn on lights or press elevator buttons on the Sabbath. Inevitably someone will say “That’s so weird. Why does that matter?” I always say that everyone’s religious dogma looks strange to outsiders, but that doesn’t make it any less relevant than the things we do in our service, like Communion or stating the Apostle’s Creed. I wish more people could be more tolerant of others; it frustrates me to no end to listen to people who believe they know the only way. Really, the only reason most people are the religion they are is because of an accident of birth. If you grew up in the Middle East, you would likely be Muslim. If you grew up where I did, in Birmingham, you are likely to be a Christian. I only recently really thought about that deeply, and for me, I just can’t believe that our salvation (whatever you want that to mean) depends on an accident of birth, or that God would “damn” perfectly good people because of circumstances in their lives they had no control over. Mostly, I was taught to believe something very specific that I no longer believe. I’m not entirely sure what I believe any more, although I know I do believe in SOMETHING. And I guess that’s a lot of what a faith journey is about: finding out what exactly we believe.
Thanks again for such a great essay, Dahl. You are a wonderful person and I feel so lucky to know you, even in the small way that I do.
Yes. I love this. This is what my Catholic brother needs to see. Shit, this is what half of the world needs to see.
@Virus: Mumsy says that the Scots will someday throw off the yoke of Presbyterianotestantism and return to their pagan roots with valiant bare-chested rutting at the equinox and harvest. But it might have been Camille Paglia who said that, so don’t quote me. Can’t remember.
Disturbing, how excited Mumsy got at the idea. She was very intent on converting strapping young bachelors to Rome in your neck of the woods, before I was born and according to her diaries. Kilts drove her rather insensible. She appreciated masculine, uncircumcised beauty in the Hebrides. It was awkward for my father at the dinner table when she insisted on discussing it. Thank God for discreet footmen, right? And good barristers.
You guys are so awesome, I have no words. Well, that’s a lie–I have many words, as always–but the amount of support from the Smokers is unparalleled and one of the many reasons I love you guys.
@Mama: Your roommate was and probably still is an idiot. Yes, many converts end up being among the most observant for the simple reason that they’re often afraid to “mess with the rules.” The fact that you entered a new religion in a way that allows you to appreciate everything that both it and life have to offer is only one of the many zillions of things I love and admire about you. You are amazing, and I stand by my 20,000 requests for you to write about your conversion!
@Newt: What I have never understood about many religious people is that they think that their beliefs are universally relatable, that because the Bible says it’s wrong, that’s enough. But if you don’t fear God–hell, if you don’t believe in God–then why would you care? What’s your motivation? It’s like there’s something about Atheism that religious people simply cannot comprehend, and it kills me. It’s a legitimate belief–deal with it, and learn to approach people in ways that don’t require them to posess the exact same belief system as yours. If you can’t come up with an argument that doesn’t invoke the Bible, it probably isn’t a very good argument to begin with.
@BL: Couldn’t agree more.
@CD: Your Grandma sounds pretty freakin awesome–guess that’s where you got it from!
@Hen: Anything I can do to make my future personal chef is just icing on the cake, pun partially intended.
@Baroness: One of the greatest compliments I’ve ever received from one of the most eloquent people I’m privileged to know. I have to admit that one thing I have never achieved is any sort of fearlessness about death and what comes after; your father sounds rather amazing, and I wish I had what he had too.
@Miss P: I have always found the fact that we are born into a religion endlessly fascinating. How can you be born into something that’s supposed to dictate your thoughts, feelings, and actions? And yet, once you’ve been raised that way, it can be so hard to imagine living any other way. One game I’ve seen many an Ortho Jew play is “what would you do if you found out one day that you weren’t actually Jewish?” It’s amazing how many people say “I would eat a cheeseburger, and then convert to Judaism.” In my opinion, it’s rather absurd to expect people to believe in every piece of an ideology, whether it’s a religion or a political party. Believing in “something” sounds like a perfect place to be.
@Kate: Thank you. I’m guessing your brother is a lot like a bunch of people I know and wish I could smack upside the head.
@DAHLELAMA: I believe it boils down to the fact that fervent religionists cannot separate their belief from daily life. They have so wedded the two (for better or for worse), that they cannot imagine how anyone else can function. They assume that because their system works for them, because the precepts that govern their life are taken directly form those parts of scripture they choose, it should work for everyone, and the least they can do is get everyone else on board.
In the end, to live in America, you have to accept the fact that you are allowed to believe anything you wish, but you are not allowed to impose that belief on anyone else. It would be one thing if abortion was causing the death of women, and then I could see outlawing it, but that is not the case. These people want it banned based solely on their world view, their convictions, their beliefs. They hold those things to be superior to anyone else’s, and do not understand that they do not have the fundamental right to impose their value system on anyone else, no matter how they may feel.
Dahl: Loved this. Shabbat Shalom.
I really enjoyed this.
Just saw this. I know it’s still a far cry from perfection, but for a large group of respected rabbis, this is pretty damn good: http://statementofprinciplesnya.blogspot.com/
I didn’t understand all of the terms, but this is solid:
I may become Rabbi just so that I can sign this document.
Also, Dahl, thanks for reminding me of this piece. I enjoyed it the first time around. Time for a companion piece.
What are you kids doing over here? I’m glad to revisit – this piece is in the Wordsmoker Top 10, as is Dahl’s piece on Purim. I miss your writing!
I love it here!
Dahl: Thanks, I enjoyed reading the link. So, in a nutshell, “Don’t ask, Don’t kvell”? (These are the jokes people).