Man With Really Strange Face Arrested For Impersonating A War Hero
Published: November 11, 2009
Let’s face it, we’ve all pretended we’re someone else from time to time. Some days I pretend I’m a fully-functioning human being, with actual friends and maybe a clean microwave oven and a selection of exciting underwear bought from reputable sources. But sometimes we get found out, say, for example – the authorities discover that you’re not an actual superhero with the ability to climb walls while fighting crime and that you’re just a depraved Scottish pervert with a penchant for dressing up as some sort of crotchless Spiderman while mumbling to himself about Green Goblin’s infiltrating nurse’s homes. Where was I?
Oh yes, this is a good story indeed. From The Smoking Gun:
Just in time for Veteran’s Day, a California bank employee is facing federal charges for allegedly masquerading as a decorated Marine and wearing a host of bogus medals, including the Purple Heart, Bronze Star, and Navy Cross.
To give me my due, I only impersonated a perverted superhero, not an actual war hero.
Steven Burton, 39, is scheduled to surrender tomorrow in U.S. District Court in Riverside, California (Burton, who has never served in the armed forces, was named last week in a misdemeanor criminal information charging him with the unauthorized wearing of military medals).
For info – wearing a crotchless Spiderman “uniform” is also a misdemeanor, apparently. And not to be advised during the Winter months in Scotland.
Burton’s charade was discovered after an actual Navy commander, Colleen Salonga, ran into Burton at their high school reunion. Online records indicate that Salonga and Burton graduated in 1988 from Alhambra High School in Martinez, California (and that their class’s 20th reunion was last October).
I like this bit coming up. The bit below this bit, which I copied and pasted. Below.
Suspicious that Burton was playing dress up, Salonga asked to take a photo with him. That image, seen below, was later provided to FBI agents. A subsequent investigation turned up another photo of Burton in uniform as well as blog postings in which he recounted his “combat experience” and tours in Iraq and Afghanistan.
The “image, seen below” is actually up top. I hope you’re not confused. Or aroused.
In the real world, Burton is employed at Rabobank in Palm Springs, California.
In many ways, aren’t we all?
I’m not sure about you now. I happen to KNOW there are no reputable sources for underwear in Scotland.
@Nina: I use the secrecy of online-ordering to buy them in bulk from Finland.
Takes three weeks for shipping, but worth it in the end.
I want to make it a crime for anyone to impersonate Chillbear Latrigue. No one ever does, but I want it on the books nonetheless.
Finnish Tango.
Unpopular in high school all over again.
@Virus, Finnish underpants? They’re made out of reindeer hooves.
@BSK: I know. That’s their major selling point!
As a Scotsman, you are genetically engineered to repel all underpinnings. My Grandfather, John Perry McGee, told me so.
Besides, everyone knows that.
I think we need pics of this Spiderman impersonation. maybe a video
Way to go, douchebag classmate. Now this poor bastard is never going to get laid.
Now there is a man with stones. I mean it. Balls of molybdenum. I mean it’s one thing to dress up like a cop to pull over unsuspecting women, or to pretend to be a doctor to impress some woman in a bar, or to dress like Fabio to entertain your lady in the bedroom. It’s a whole ‘nuther class of stupid to parade around in public dressed in a military uniform wearing medals you did not earn. Especially, and this is the crux of it, WHEN THERE’S A WAR GOING ON!!!!
I think this guy should not be fined or ticketed — I think he deserves the chance to go earn those medals for real. Hand him some fatigues, a rifle, a helmet, a field pack, and drop him in the hinterlands of Afghanistan, and let’s see how heroic he feels, assuming he survives.
Oh Mama P, that was inevitable… don’t blame the real naval commander.
I was just kidding, birdie!
@SFBIRDIE, @MAMA PENGUINO: This is one of those cases where his not “getting laid” is perhaps for the best. No need to pass the stupid genes on to another generation.
When I used to meet girls and they asked me what I did for a living, (because after women approve of you physically, this is always the next things that they want to know) I would tell them that I was a cop. A lot of times, they would ask me how they knew if I was really a cop. I told them that if I was going to lie, I would have made up something a lot cooler and way less limiting. When I lie, I say that I’m a plastic surgeon. When I tell the truth, I reluctantly admit that I’m a cop.
@Chillbear: I’ve been too shy to ask, but do you wear big black boots at work?
@CL: Yes, I am too shy too (guffaw), but how much does your duty belt wear? And how good does it feel when you get to take it off at the end of your shift? And what kind of noise does it make when it hits the floor of the locker room where all the cops change into their street clothes? And what kind of underwear do those other cops wear? And…
“weigh,” how much does it weigh. The fingers, they were just flying.
@BOOKISHLOOKISH: I’ve heard the fingers work better when they move slowly… gently…
@Newt: Have you, now? Don’t go getting half the dames on this site angry at you flirting with li’l ole me, honey.
So, Newt, when you’re dressing as Fabio for Mrs. Newt, do you wear a wig? Just a passing thought.
@BOOKISHLOOKISH: Flirting? Moi? Heaven forfend… I was merely sharing a tidbit of information… yeah… yup…
@GERBILSINLOVE: I’m more like the anti-Fabio, which means I have shone up my pot belly, colored in my bald spot, and found the best dress shirt in my closet, to be left opened provocatively…
@Book: This morning I spied 3 highway patrolmen having coffee at an outdoor coffeehouse table. The big boots Do. Me. In.
Confidential to Newt: TOLD YOU!
@B-SK: Thee state troopers, they are like twice yearly pulling me over for speeding, they wear their little tight outfits with the big boots, I always give them the once-over when I am answering their “why are you speeding, ma’am” questions and that gets them SO MAD, as I am clearly objectifying them in the line of duty, so they hit me with the big-ass ticket and I should not do that, but, you know, eyes, I have them.
@BL: I am completely and utterly devastated that this was not the first sentence in a sex for clemency story.
@Book: Twice a year! I think you might be *askin for it*.
@BSK: Sorry, I missed this earlier. I wear boots like these:
@BL: 6.5 lbs. Good. Whap. Underwear?
@chillbear: these are acceptable!