Post 1501 Is About The Previous 1500
Published: November 06, 2009
Hello you sexy internet bastards! It was little more than a decade 11 months ago that Wordsmoker (the thing you are reading now) started off out of sheer frustration at the continual mind-squishing, back-stabbing bitch-shed that Alan’s toy Gawker had become. Well, ladies and gentlemen of all sizes – pat yourselves on the back and maybe massage my stupid sore shoulder, because we just reached 1500 posts!
Yes – Mama Penguino’s post - apparently sponsored by Ibuprofen PM – was Number 1500. For this fact alone she wins a car, a fire-damaged yacht and a vicious little dachshund called “Adrian”. BUT, YOU ASK – “Why 1500?” Apart from Mama Penguino pointing this fact out to Rene Sance and I via electric mail, I HAVE MY REASONS YES SHUT UP. You may not be aware of this, but “1500″ is a rather special number – it has been worshiped by many civilizations down the centuries, not to mention the fact that it’s a rather spooky number in itself…
15 Facts About 1500
1. The Greek Goddess Demeter had 1500 tits but only one big bra, which made her cranky.
2. 1500 people think about killing themselves whenever they watch Two And A Half Men. Only 23 manage it.
3. There are millions of cells in the human body, but only 1500 are essential for survival.
4. North Korea has an army of 1500 laser-guided turtles waiting to invade Angola for no particular reason.
5. Fred Astaire farted 1500 times during his entire career.
6. If you ingest LSD over a period of four days and stare at the number “1500″, it begins to look like an anorexic Victorian burglar pushing a snake in front of an owl’s eyes.
7. Al Gore weighs 1500 metric tonnes, but only has the mass of a normal-sized golfball made from Play-Doh.
8. Randy Newman sometimes hits A# on his piano 1500 times a day to annoy his “stupid fucking neighbors”.
9. The Mayan civilization believed that the Roland Emmerich disaster movie 2012 would lose $1500 per day because of word-of-mouth.
10. Papua New Guinea is mentioned exactly 1500 times throughout the entire output of the composer and lyricist Stephen Sondheim.
11. 1500 is the alloted amount of Scotsmen allowed in any bar before someone mentions “Och, it’s a bit crowded tonight”.
12. Theoretical physicist Emil Martinec once ate 1500 sheets of toilet paper in twelve hours in an attempt to describe string theory.
13. The clitoris is searched for and fumbled about with exactly 1500 times per hour, no matter where you are in the world.
14. Joe Strummer once wrote a song entitled “1500 Marxist Hamsters” but never told anybody about it.
15. Exactly 1500 neurons fire in the human brain whenever you see a fat man on a bicycle.
Anyway, to go back to my original point, well done to you all for reaching this MOMENTOUS NUMBER OF POSTS. Personally I thought we’d have reached 30,000 by now, but I do have a lot of unread emails, so it’s probably my fault.
NOW TOUCH YOURSELF IN A PLEASURABLE PLACE AS THANKS.
ps – As a side-note, get writing about something, you sexy internet bastards. Let’s make 2000 posts by Sunday!
Geez, Virus, you are SUCH an editor – Personally I thought we’d have reached 30,000 by now, – thankfully you put the blame on yourself, sorta.
I can’t wait to submit my real housewives post… because all of these highly educated intellectuals will TOTALLY know what I’m talking about… damn, wish I were more highbrow.
@SF: Your brow is just fine where it is. SLACKER.
No. 6 is true but misleading. If you ingest LSD over a period of four days anything you stare at looks like an anorexic Victorian burglar pushing a snake in front of an owl’s eyes. But still, that’s pretty fucked up.
3. I hope this is correct, because I’m told that I kill 15 trillion brain cells every time I take a sip of alcohol.
8. & 14. One more musician reference and this list would have contained the requisite 20% to qualify for Audiosmoker.
Yay to everyone, but especially to our Virus Overlord. I have to admit to being a bit disappointed that there were not 1500 factoids in this post. Reminds me of that old Lincoln/Kennedy comparison thing my grandfather had framed and given to me when I was a child. What a gift for a little girl!
@MissP: I actually made it to 1423 factoids, but then blood started shooting from my eyeballs the way gas shoots from the mouth of Rush Limbaugh and I decided to stop.
Of course, I was faced with the ignominy of posting either 1423 factoids about the number 1500, or strip it back down to 15. Through my blood-soaked eyes, I went for the latter.
It’s hard enough to find a bra that fits when you’ve got two (albeit out-of-this-world) tits. No wonder Demeter was a cranky bitch.
Wow Scotland either had really big bars or really liberal fire codes
YAY 1500!
Congrats VWS. 1500 wow. That’s a lot of posting. I wish more people would off themselves after watching Two and Half men. Maybe then the network would consider pulling it.
@Kate: tell me more about those tits.
The only way to deal with Two and A Half Men is to keep telling yourself: That’s not Duckie. The Duckie I loved from Pretty in Pink is dead and gone. THAT’S NOT DUCKIE!
Oh, Virus. How I love you.
True story: a couple of days ago Little Penguino asked me, “What would happen if you had three breasts?” and I replied, “I’d have to get a bra with three cups.” She followed with, “What would you do if you had 100 breasts?” and I said, “Cry.”
Mama P: that reminds me of a lovely story! When my son was 5, he came into my dressing room after I had just taken a shower and announced, “You have pretty breasts, Mama, where did you get them?” I said, “Thanks, I think, I grew them.”
At which point I scurried into the closet and laughed till I almost peed. I love little boys.
This almost makes me, like, weepy. Awesome work, Mr. Shoes.
#13–we really need to do something about that. NO MOAR FUMBLEZ!1!
#5–Fred Astaire has nothing on me in that area. Farting is one of my greatest pleasures. I actually think I will write a post on farting—I have a lot to say on that topic.
Also: my third nipple is squirting milk in happiness! I am so glad that this site was built and that it has been successfull. I am so thrilled that I have had the opportunity to be a part of this–as small of a part as I am. YAY! Thank you V
SORRY! My previous comment somehow got submitted before I got to finish writing it! Mysterious! (I haz really bad comperz skillz)…….Anyway, I shall finish: Thank you VWS, and EVERYONE who contributes to this site in any and every way! This place is a breath of fresh air for me.
@Anna: “This place is a breath of fresh air for me.”
No wonder, after that particular confession.
Anna: I live in a house of boys and dogs. This site is my continous breath of fresh air, as well. Your house, I’m not sure, though.
@Virus: you’re the best. xxoo
I love Wordsmoker, thanks Virus!
Also, I like to fart in my office; it keeps everyone the hell out of it. True story.
8. I thought Randy Newman simply wrote songs to annoy his fucking neighbors (and the rest of the fucking world).
thk you virus so funy cannot type so gud, hands quite full at te moment
For Al, that’s 1500 metric tons of carbon dioxide equivalent (MT e CO2).
That still doesn’t explain string theory.
Thanks, Virus, for all your hard work on Wordsmoker.
[curtsies in Virus' direction]
In Germany before the war…
I like Randy Newman.
VIRUS–hey, you opened the door–I just stuck my butt in
FIFI—I think I love you.
GERBILSINLOVE–I guess there is a reason that we live in the country……..the breath of fresh air is either here, on WS, or outiside.
@Anna: Returned!
I’m protective of my office space! I keep my IN box outside the office door. Oh, but I do have a ton of plants in there, so they might filter out the funk a bit.