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Barack Obama Interviews For A Job With The Republican Party.

By Aaron Altman
Published: October 09, 2009

GOP INTERVIEWER: Hello. Name?
OBAMA: Barack Obama.
GOP: It says on your resume here that your name is Barack HUSSEIN Obama.
OBAMA: I guess it is.
GOP: You were born in Hawaii?
OBAMA: Yes.
GOP: You don’t look Hawaiian.
OBAMA: What’s that supposed to mean?
GOP: Well, you don’t. What are your political leanings?
OBAMA: I’m not a Republican, but I don’t believe in partisan -
GOP: That’s an “X” against you, if I’ve ever heard one.
OBAMA: Okay.
GOP: Says here you’re President?
OBAMA: Yes.
GOP: Of America?
OBAMA: Yes.
GOP: South America? Like, Brazil or something?
OBAMA: No.
GOP: Central America?
OBAMA: The United States, sir. Of America.
GOP: No fuckin’ way.
OBAMA: Why do you say that?
GOP: Because, you know, you’re not, uh, how should I say this?
OBAMA: Because I’m not Hawaiian?
GOP: Yes. Good save.
OBAMA: Mmm-hmm.
GOP: Says here under “professional achievements” that you won a Nobel fuckin’ Peace Prize? Now why the Hell would you put THAT in?
OBAMA: Um, because it’s a major achievement, especially considering what the image of our country has been like among the international community for the past eight years.
GOP: You mean YOUR country, Brazil?
OBAMA: No.
GOP: Well, I don’t know what the Hell you’re talkin’ about, then.
OBAMA [gets up]: Thank you for being a complete jackass, Glenn.
GOP: That’s Mr. Beck to you.

FIN.

(Apologies if you’ve seen this before.)

BJonston posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 5:58 pm.
AARON!!!!!!!!!!! YES! Very, VERY happy to see you here!
BJonston posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 6:00 pm.
Oh, and very funny.
helmangiraffe posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 6:03 pm.
Aaron! Yay.
Carson Suggs posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:08 pm.
Dude! It’s nice to see you post here. I love reading your old stuff. (I’m here, by the way.) I liked it on Tumblr; I love it here.
Carson Suggs posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:10 pm.
http://chirpingsectary.tumblr.com/

Crap, how can I screw up basic code here.
don is posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:11 pm.
ION! Where. Have. You. Fucking. Been?
VirusWithShoes posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:20 pm.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!
VirusWithShoes posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:20 pm.
(damn, I thought I’d banned him)
VirusWithShoes posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:21 pm.
THIS IS ONE OF TEH SIGNS OF THE ANTI-APOCALYPSE!!!!!

RAINBOW PUKING KITTENS ALL ROUND!!!!
VirusWithShoes posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:29 pm.
Let’s DO THIS.
VirusWithShoes posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:29 pm.
VirusWithShoes posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:30 pm.
VirusWithShoes posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:31 pm.
VirusWithShoes posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:31 pm.
VirusWithShoes posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:32 pm.
VirusWithShoes posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:33 pm.
VirusWithShoes posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:34 pm.
That last one really IS something.

WELCOME BACK MY FRIEND. YOU DIDN’T MISS ANYTHING.
Belltolls posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:41 pm.
AA!
Carson Suggs posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:52 pm.
fapfap
VirusWithShoes posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:57 pm.
In case anyone didn’t realise, Aaron believes that Tina Fey is a Goddess.

I find it hard to disagree with that particular belief system myself.
BJonston posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 7:59 pm.
Tina Fey shoulda been on my list. Dammit!
Carson Suggs posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 8:00 pm.
FracturedAcetabulum posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 8:05 pm.
AA, this is great. Great way to end my shitty, shitty week.

VWS, thanks for the eye candy. Tina Fey’s hotness is only accentuated by her (in my opinion) wit which is proof of her intelligence.

The purple-shirted, over the shoulder smirk is my fave (though it does rock a bit of a JA vibe with the whole “don’t photograph me from the left side.”)

But thanks to all. Have a wonderful weekend. If I drank, I’d be drunk by now.

FA
Trixie From Toronto posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 8:50 pm.
This is awesome.
BookishLookish posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 8:51 pm.
The prodigal returneth. We’ll have the fatted calf for dinner!
Strawberry Shortcake posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 9:26 pm.
I want to be Tina Fey someday, just a ginger version.
perverseus posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 9:34 pm.
HILARIOUS.
berightback posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 9:47 pm.
Smooches, Aaron! And giggles. Smooches and giggles.
VirusWithShoes posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 9:57 pm.
@Strawbs: Then expect my hand in marriage forthwith. My other hand? That’ll be the one molesting you well into old age. Because of the whole “ginger Tina Fey” thing. Of course.
H. Totheomo posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 9:59 pm.
This makes very happy to have virtually all of Season Three to watch tonight.
Strawberry Shortcake posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 10:03 pm.
Virus- I think this may be my greatest “backup” plan ever. Ok when I become the ginger Tina Fey we can make it official and I give you full permission to molest me as long as your arthritis allows.

This is the stuff Hallmark cards are about.
Mama Penguino posted the following on October 9, 2009 at 11:51 pm.
Hi, Mr. Altman. You don’t know me at all, but I’ve been a long-time fan of yours, and well, you were the first person I friended on the G site even though you didn’t (and don’t) know me, and well, I just think you’re really clever and wanted to introduce myself and stuff. And this piece further proof of your wit, and well, I guess I ought to shut up now (fool! I’m a fool!). Um, thanks. ?
ChillbearLatrigue posted the following on October 10, 2009 at 11:10 am.
@AA: I’m not sure who you are, but welcome. Your piece was hilarious.

Fin.
suzycakes posted the following on October 10, 2009 at 2:15 pm.
YAY!
Aaron Altman posted the following on October 10, 2009 at 3:19 pm.
Ooh, I thought I’d posted a comment. TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!

Anyhow: boss, hello again, and stop leafing through my photo albums.

Everyone else – thanks. I just cannot believe how insane the right has gotten.
NefariousNewt posted the following on October 10, 2009 at 3:36 pm.
@VirusWithShoes: Thanks for the Tina Fey retrospective… she’s dreamy. *sigh*

@Aaron Altman: Gotten? The right was always insane, dating back to the Gingrich days. It was just well-hidden, behind a thick wall of Reagan-era moderates. As the moderates have slowly drifted away, pushed by the wind of far-right-wing ranting, the insanity has been given its chance to be exposed to the light of day. Kind of the way a star goes supernova, blowing off the outer layers and leaving behind a cooling, dying core which collapses into a black hole.
Maelstrom posted the following on October 11, 2009 at 12:02 am.
Oh God, I’ve missed these dialogues, especially when I visit the chatroom and find myself talking to myself. I always lament that I wish AA were around to do it properly.