DahlELama’s Fill-In-The-Blanks
Published: October 08, 2009
No, no, this is totally different from DahlELama’s 20 Questions–you’ll see! Please note, I was going to put this in Mad Lib form, but too many of you dirty Smokers can’t be trusted.
1. I’ll buy pretty much any magazine with ____________ on the cover.
2. If every show I watch aired at the same time on different channels, I’d watch _________ and DVR __________.
3. I would never call it my favorite song, but I do love ___________ because it reminds me of ______________.
4. I’d spend any amount of money on tickets if ____________ was/were touring.
5. If that Other Site approached me to write a weekly column, it would be about ___________, and I would do it a lot better than that douchehat writer _____________.
6. I have often wondered what ___________ looks like naked.
7. The old Wordsmoker piece I would totally feature if we were doing “Archive Week” would be ____________ by __________. In return, I would like ___________, because nothing comes free, asshole.
8. I do/do not share this site with friends because ___________. I don’t care if that makes me a awesome/a selfish bastard.
9. If Wordsmoker were a movie, _________ would play ________. And win an Oscar for it, too!
10. ______ can suck it, for reals, yo.
11. ______ is the shiznit! Damn, girl!
12. All the remakes on TV and in theaters suck, but seriously, if they’re gonna remake something, it should be _________.
13. Yes, I know __________ makes me fat, but you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
14. I wouldn’t say I’m picky about food, per se, but if ________ touches my plate, someone’s getting a fork in the eye.
15. Thanks for that million bucks, dead rich uncle! I’m off to spend it all in one place, just as I’m sure you would’ve wanted! _________, open your doors–Mama/Papa’s got some serious cash to burn.
16. What a bizarre desert island…an outlet, a DVD player, and nothing else? Good thing I brought ___________, the one DVD I can watch over and over until the end of time!
17. Here’s the thing, _________. You are nowhere near as good at __________ as you think you are. So stop __________ before I shove my ________ in your ________ and _________ it until you ________. _________!
18. I’ve always wondered what I’d look like as a/an ___________. Probably pretty effing hot.
19. OK, __________, you can have my wit, charming smile, and dazzling skill with words, but in return, I must have your ____________.
20. Was _________ really necessary? I mean, seriously.
(Fire your blanks in the comments – this yacht isn’t going to win itself! Ed.)
12. F-Troop.
6. ALL THE LADIES ON WORDSMOKER
Here’s a blank comment template, if you wanna answer all 20…
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
2. Big Bang Theory – I LOVE that show!
Sure, I’ll go first!
1. Christina Ricci, Kristen Bell, and until that lousy interview with her in Allure, Amanda Seyfried.
2. Gossip Girl/House. Yes, it’s embarrassing, but I stand by my choice.
3. Killing in the Name by Rage Against the Machine/being 12 and hanging out with the guy I was hopelessly in love with who ended up becoming my best friend
4. Aerosmith. And I did spend a ridiculous amount of money. And then they canceled the tour.
5. the TV shows I watched that week/Andrew Belonsky, who sucks worse than anything has ever sucked.
6. Brad Pitt, because I think it would be hilarious if he turned out to have a tiny penis.
7. 20 Lies About Me by Sproing, because it makes me smile no matter how many times I read it./A week-by-week video analysis of Mad Men, because we all know he does it so well.
8. do not, because I like to have the freedom to write personal things without affecting the opinions of those who know me best. Definitely do not care if this makes me an asshole.
9. Matt Damon/Virus. Because he is just so Jason Bourne in those Facebook pics.
10. Andrew Belonsky. I really, really hate that guy.
To be continued.
Well, apparently, I wasn’t first, I just take a long time because I feel a compulsive need to answer every question. Why am I such a geek?
1. a free introductory packet of heroin
2. my neighbors fucking/Colbert Report
3. I Want To Know What Love Is/my tasty ex-girfriend
4. Dick Cheney
5. Crack/Cary Tennis
6. Chillbear Latrigue
7. anything/Virus/oral sex
8. I’m secretly working for GawkerMedia
9. James McAvoy/Virus
10. Barbra Streisand
11. Meth
12. MacGyver
13. eating
14. your ass
15. Local sauna with “extras”
16. The Thing
17. Virus/masturbating/masturbating/fist/your ass/twist it/giggle/you tit.
18. pretty lady
19. The Marines/access to heavy weapons and map of Belgium.
20. suffrage
5. Dadaism, Andrew Belonsky
9. Baroness, Nurse Ratched
16. Weekend at Bernie’s
20. Pearl Harbor
Virus: With those answers, I don’t even need to read the questions.
1. I’ll buy pretty much any magazine with __Bat Boy__ on the cover.
2. If every show I watch aired at the same time on different channels, I’d watch _Vampire Diaries__ and DVR __The Office__.
3. I would never call it my favorite song, but I do love __Bad Day__ because it reminds me of _making a certain persons day better__.
6. I have often wondered what _Catherin Zeta Jones_ looks like naked.
10. _The Duggars_ can suck it, for reals, yo.
12. All the remakes on TV and in theaters suck, but seriously, if they’re gonna remake something, it should be _Thunder Cats_.
14. I wouldn’t say I’m picky about food, per se, but if _raw onion_ touches my plate, someone’s getting a fork in the eye.
15. Thanks for that million bucks, dead rich uncle! I’m off to spend it all in one place, just as I’m sure you would’ve wanted! _Vintage Jungle ( I love vintage!!!!)_, open your doors–Mama/Papa’s got some serious cash to burn.
18. I’ve always wondered what I’d look like as a/an _cartoon_. Probably pretty effing hot.
20. Was _I’m a celebrity get me out of here_ really necessary? I mean, seriously.
@Fifi: I didn’t even read the questions.
@Heneage: Re: #20 – the movie, not the historical event. Dumbass.
OK, OK–no need to insult the questions.
Virus: Hilarious!
Lama: loved the questions, I’m just not funny enough to do them justice!
@Dahl and Heneage: andrew belonsky is really really really shitty at his job… what were they thinking with this guy?!?!?
Virus – sometimes i think we need to get you and assistant in a short skirt, or a sexy sectary or a naughty librarian or something. Then things like this happen and i wonder what would happen to that poor girl.
1. Joe Mantegna
2. Rockford Files, Dirty Jobs
3. Love Will Tear Us Apart Again, College
4. Flying Burrito Brothers
5. National Health Care, Nate
6. Noam Chomsky
7. People are Talking, Rene Sance, a little slap and tickle
8. do, I have poor judgement
9. Viggo Mortensen, Chillbear
10. The Bridal Industry
11. Monkey Rash
12. Andy Griffith Show
13. Pizza
14. Any fried dessert
15. Frye Boot Company
16. Coffee and Cigarettes
17. Sarah Palin, anything, talking out loud, frye boot, heinie, hokey-pokey, shake it all about, Yahtzee!
18. Flight attendant
19. Virus, accent (I know, I know: WHAT ACCENT?)
20. 2008
@Tig: I can’t even begin to imagine. He is AWFUL. I had to stop reading the Gossip Roundup in order to stop giving him pageviews, which pisses me off, because it should be Brian Moylan’s job, and I actually like Brian Moylan.
@Straw: There’s really no point in giving her a skirt since it’ll obviously just become a permanent floor decoration. Also, good call on CZJ. I think she’s the most beautiful woman in the history of life.
@FA: Go to Fleshbot. See that ridiculously hot chick who’s completely naked? Well, now you know what at least one of us looks like naked!
1. a “Top Ten ______” list advertised. They are so painful to read I love/hate them.
2. I would’nt watch anything and find all the shows the next day online (http://www.watch-gossip-girl.com/)
3. Party in the USA because it reminds me of the beach and health care reform:
4. Joel McHail
5. Sorry Dahl, ive got things to do. Really.
@UO: No one’s making you do anything, but I’m sorry my post was so annoying for you.
@BLW: Viggo Mortensen! YES! Excellent call! Also, I add Audrey Tautou for LipstickLibrarian.
@StrawberryHotshorts: IT’S LIKE YOU’RE IN MY MIND OR SOMETHING.
I have plans.
DahlELama, I love the post. i just mean ill finish it later, for myself.
Virus- oh good I will just take that Craigslist ad I posted then
16. What a cruel joke. no TV?
@Uncivil: Things to do? WTF? You mean you have a job? I guess you didn’t know that this is a site for the UNEMPLOYED. Be gone with you; I have a list to construct, employment be damned.
1. I’ll buy pretty much any magazine with MEERKATS on the cover.
2. If every show I watch aired at the same time on different channels, I’d watch TWILIGHT ZONE and DVR STAR TREK.
3. I would never call it my favorite song, but I do love “Still the One” because it reminds me of MY FIRST BOYFRIEND, KYLE.
4. I’d spend any amount of money on tickets if BOSTON was/were touring.
5. If that Other Site approached me to write a weekly column, it would be about MEERKATS, and I would do it a lot better than that douchehat writer GABRIEL.
6. I have often wondered what SAMMY HAGAR looks like naked.
7. The old Wordsmoker piece I would totally feature if we were doing “Archive Week” would be STAGE-HAND’S LAMENT by SARCASTRO. In return, I would like A DATE WITH HIM because nothing comes free, asshole.
8. I do/do not share this site with friends because THEN I CAN’T WRITE ABOUT SEX WITH FELLOW WORDSMOKERS. I don’t care if that makes me a awesome/a selfish bastard.
9. If Wordsmoker were a movie, DANIEL CRAIG would play CHILLBEAR. And win an Oscar for it, too!
10. RUDE PEOPLE can suck it, for reals, yo.
11. DAHLELAMA (AND HER LISTS) is the shiznit! Damn, girl!
12. All the remakes on TV and in theaters suck, but seriously, if they’re gonna remake something, it should be BRENDA STARR.
13. Yes, I know ICE CREAM makes me fat, but you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
14. I wouldn’t say I’m picky about food, per se, but if MEAT IN ASPIC touches my plate, someone’s getting a fork in the eye.
15. Thanks for that million bucks, dead rich uncle! I’m off to spend it all in one place, just as I’m sure you would’ve wanted! GYMBOREE, open your doors–Mama/Papa’s got some serious cash to burn.
16. What a bizarre desert island…an outlet, a DVD player, and nothing else? Good thing I brought ALIEN, the one DVD I can watch over and over until the end of time!
17. Here’s the thing, NEIGHBOR WITH THE PERFECT LAWN. You are nowhere near as good at BEING A NEIGHBOR as you think you are. So stop MOWING & TRIMMING ALLTHE TIME before I shove my WEED-EATER in your ASS and RUN it until you DIE?, LADY!
18. I’ve always wondered what I’d look like as a/an SMALL-BREASTED SKINNY PERSON. Probably pretty effing hot.
19. OK, LEONA HELMSLEY’S DOG, you can have my wit, charming smile, and dazzling skill with words, but in return, I must have your BANK ACCOUNT.
20. Was JOHN FITZGERALD PAGE really necessary? I mean, seriously.
@ Mama Penguino: I am rearranging the furniture in my apartment.
@Uncivil: LOL! I love that! Friends?
@ Mama: Forever!
@Uncivil: Pinkie promise? xxoo
1. I’ll buy pretty much any magazine with *dicks* on the cover.
2. If every show I watch aired at the same time on different channels, I’d watch *Anything of Love on VH1* and DVR *The Ultimate Fighter*.
3. I would never call it my favorite song, but I do love *toxic* because it reminds me of *britney spears before she lost her goddamn mind*.
4. I’d spend any amount of money on tickets if *michael jackson* was/were touring.
5. If that Other Site approached me to write a weekly column, it would be about *my erotic dream involving cajun boy, dick lawson and some mayonnaise*, and I would do it a lot better than that douchehat writer *andrew belonsky*.
6. I have often wondered what *jesus (the dude was hung like this!)* looks like naked.
7. The old Wordsmoker piece I would totally feature if we were doing “Archive Week” would be *anything* by *Virus*. In return, I would like *oral sex*, because nothing comes free, asshole.
8. I do/do not share this site with friends because *they would judge me for being so invested in the writings of strangers*. I don’t care if that makes me a awesome/a selfish bastard.
9. If Wordsmoker were a movie, *Christopher Walken* would play *me*. And win an Oscar for it, too!
10. *Ann Curry* can suck it, for reals, yo.
11. *are people still saying shiznit?* is the shiznit! Damn, girl!
12. All the remakes on TV and in theaters suck, but seriously, if they’re gonna remake something, it should be *little house on the prairie*.
13. Yes, I know *ice cream* makes me fat, but you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
14. I wouldn’t say I’m picky about food, per se, but if *chitterlings* touches my plate, someone’s getting a fork in the eye.
15. Thanks for that million bucks, dead rich uncle! I’m off to spend it all in one place, just as I’m sure you would’ve wanted! *chanel, or hermes*, open your doors–Mama/Papa’s got some serious cash to burn.
16. What a bizarre desert island…an outlet, a DVD player, and nothing else? Good thing I brought *sister act 2*, the one DVD I can watch over and over until the end of time!
17. Here’s the thing, *speidi*. You are nowhere near as good at *anything* as you think you are. So stop *doing shit* before I *pull a lizzie grubman on y’all*
18. I’ve always wondered what I’d look like as a/an *liger*. Probably pretty effing hot.
19. OK, *B.Obama*, you can have my wit, charming smile, and dazzling skill with words, but in return, I must have your *bowling skillz*.
20. Was *jon & kate* really necessary? I mean, seriously.
1. I’ll buy pretty much any magazine with KITTENS on the cover.
6. I have often wondered what VIRUSWITHSHOES looks like naked.
8. I do/do not share this site with friends because they WILL FIGURE OUT WHICH COMMENTER I AM AND THUS DISCOVER ALL OF MY SECRETS.
9. If Wordsmoker were a movie, EWAN MCGREGOR would play VIRUSWITHSHOES. And win an Oscar for it, too!
10. MS WORD can suck it, for reals, yo.
11. BOOKISH is the shiznit! Damn, girl!
13. Yes, I know TOTINO’S PARTY PIZZAS make me fat, but you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
14. I wouldn’t say I’m picky about food, per se, but if a PICKLE touches my plate, someone’s getting a fork in the eye.
15. Thanks for that million bucks, dead rich uncle! I’m off to spend it all in one place, just as I’m sure you would’ve wanted! J. CREW, open your doors–Mama/Papa’s got some serious cash to burn.
16. What a bizarre desert island…an outlet, a DVD player, and nothing else? Good thing I brought SEASON 5 OF THE SIMPSONS, the one DVD I can watch over and over until the end of time!
@Tig: Your number 6 gave me a serious flashback to my first date with my husband, which wasn’t a date at the time but retroactively became one when we started dating. He was an art history major and we went to the Frick because he had a project for class, and I made a seriously off-color joke about the size of Jesus’ manhood based on the various paintings of him. Apparently, my cracking said off-color joke both disgusted and fascinated my husband and is directly responsible for his wanting to see me again. Ah, memories!
@UO: Careful!!!! Pinkie promises seem to be non-binding. My 6-year-old breaks them every single time, and there are no consequences.
@dahl: that was such a lovely story!!! i can’t stop giggling in my office b/c i’m seeing your first date play out in my mind… now i’m going to make that joke in public around tasty menz just to see what happens!!!! wish me luck!
1. I’ll buy pretty much any magazine with Marilyn Monroe on the cover.
2. If every show I watch aired at the same time on different channels, I’d watch nothing, I don’t really watch TV and DVR nothing, because I can’t do that at my house.
3. I would never call it my favorite song, but I do love “Suffragette City” because it reminds me of dancing on a bar in Athens, GA.
4. I’d spend any amount of money on tickets if TRex was/were touring.
5. If that Other Site approached me to write a weekly column, it would be about sex, fashion and lipstick, and I would do it a lot better than that douchehat writer whose name escapes me.
6. I have often wondered what the gentleman who sits in the office next to mine looks like naked.
7. The old Wordsmoker piece I would totally feature if we were doing “Archive Week” would be My 20 Things by Kneetoe. In return, I would like hot monkey love, because nothing comes free, asshole.
8. I do/do not share this site with friends because they would think I am an unreconstructed whore. I don’t care if that makes me a awesome/a selfish bastard.
9. If Wordsmoker were a movie, Oscar Wilde would play Heneage. And win an Oscar for it, too!
10. Andrew Sullivan can suck it, for reals, yo.
11. Gina Gershon is the shiznit! Damn, girl!
12. All the remakes on TV and in theaters suck, but seriously, if they’re gonna remake something, it should be Laugh-In (and good luck with that).
13. Yes, I know alcohol makes me fat, but you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
14. I wouldn’t say I’m picky about food, per se, but if one fucking lima bean touches my plate, someone’s getting a fork in the eye.
15. Thanks for that million bucks, dead rich uncle! I’m off to spend it all in one place, just as I’m sure you would’ve wanted! Dolce and Gabbana, open your doors–Mama/Papa’s got some serious cash to burn.
16. What a bizarre desert island…an outlet, a DVD player, and nothing else? Good thing I brought The Women (1939), the one DVD I can watch over and over until the end of time!
17. Here’s the thing, Chillbear. You are nowhere near as good at making us believe you are really a hardcore conservative as you think you are. So stop trying before I shove my tongue in your ear and work it until you beg for mercy. Ready, go!
18. I’ve always wondered what I’d look like as a/an Hawaiian maiden. Probably pretty effing hot.
19. OK, Mrs. Eric Bana, you can have my wit, charming smile, and dazzling skill with words, but in return, I must have your bank account and husband.
20. Was supersizing really necessary? I mean, seriously.
1. An article about alternative energy sources. Hot, right?
2.It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia or Breaking Bad.
3. Bungle in the Jungle by Jethro Tull. My predatory instincts.
4. The Bush Administration
5. Deficit Spending (which is yet another reason why that would never happen). I have no beef with the writers, but Pareene has always been a dick to me. Again, I wish him no ill, but I think the phrase he used was “fucking moron.”
6. I have to really think this through. It changes daily.
7. I love all of your guys work, but Wences Sermon of the Cake had me crying when I read it.
8. I share this site with intelligent friends because it will enrich their lives and bring us all fortune and glory, kids. Fortune and glory.
9. Daniel Day Lewis would play Virus. That guy walks on water. So does Lewis.
10. Ahmadinejad
11. Um, rather. I don’t speak this way.
12. An actual version ofThe Three Musketeers that follows the plot of the book. Fuck you, Disney.
13. Fucking brownies. They are the bane of my existence.
14. Bean sprouts.
15. Not to take the high road here, but probably a university.
16. Casablanca or Starship Troopers
17. Too much work on this. It mostly would apply to my coworkers, who all seem to believe that they are the greatest crime fighters in existence.
18. A Spartan. Not a real one. One of those guys in 300, who just work on their abs and then cover it with ab-scara to really bring out the definition.
19. W, good fortune.
20. Twilight
@Virus: In reference to #6, um flattered? I guess I’ll try to get something out to you.
@BL and MamaP: #9 Thank you. Imagine how disappointed someone who actually hasn’t seen me yet would be after they read that and then friended me on Facebook. It’s like one of those horrible blind dates, where you friend tells you that the girl she’s setting you up with looks like Kathy Griffin, and you think, “Hmmm. Kathy Griffin isn’t all that hot to begin with, but it’s either this or masturbate.” Then you go on the date and she has red hair like KG, but everything else is all saggy and out of proportion. However, you do her anyway for the same reason that you went out with her. Either way you look at it, I still get laid. Thanks for the nice comparisons.
@BL: You’ve just convinced me to go buy Pat Buchanan’s book. Are you some sort of reverse psychology witch doctor or something?
@CL: That money I sent down to Miss Desiree to work a root on you was well spent.
Chitterlings! That makes me think of ‘victuals’.
@BLW: i do not use victuals enough! also chitterlings are gross!
@Tig: I had this great-aunt from Europe who never really mastered modern English. She learned it in a lycee in the early 1920s and she was a housewife who never went to work, so her English stayed very antique. And she would say things like, “Ze repast is ready, please to come to table!” but in this Viennese sing-song accent. That is what the word “victual” reminds me of: my childhood spent among the living ghosts of demolished Jewish Europe.
@BL: I’m glad you are a monkey, monkey woman, monkey woman too, babe.
Also, the rest of the dough is in the mail.
@Knee: Lemon squeezing is on the house.
I feel I need to clarify–I don’t actually talk like 10 or 11. Jokes, people. Jokes! And now, to finish:
11. Mafia Wars (shoutout to Mama P, Vox, and Anna–the badassest of the badass chicks)
12. Jem and the Holograms
13. Starbucks Caramel Apple Spice cidery things
14. Liver. Can. Not. Stand. It.
15. Sephora
16. Bring it On
17. I’m just gonna do this one in my head.
18. Middle-aged version of myself
19. Meryl Streep/resume
20. any mention of Julia Allison ever
2. If every show I watch aired at the same time on different channels, I’d watch __House_______ and DVR __the Office________.
3. I would never call it my favorite song, but I do love _Shine on Harvest Moon_ because it reminds me of _My grandmother and my daughter.
4. I’d spend any amount of money on tickets if the Beatles were touring.
5. If that Other Site approached me to write a weekly column, it would be about mental health (mine or others).
6. I have often wondered what _Hugh Laurie/RobertDowney Jr./Adam Sandler/Bono/George Clooney/Harrison Ford pre-Callista Whats-her-name/Johnny Depp/Brad Pitt/one or two Wordsmoker gentlemen/Russell Crowe/Bruce Willis/Jon Stewart/That one guy in the office over there….. looks like naked.
7. The old Wordsmoker piece I would totally feature if we were doing “Archive Week” would be _Sermon of the Cake_ by _Senor Wences.
10. Tom Cruise_ can suck it, for reals, yo.
13. Yes, I know _chocolate_ makes me fat, but you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
14. I wouldn’t say I’m picky about food, per se, but if anything Mexican touches my plate, someone’s getting a fork in the eye.
15. Thanks for that million bucks, dead rich uncle! I’m off to spend it all in one place, just as I’m sure you would’ve wanted! _Harrods _, open your doors–Mama/Papa’s got some serious cash to burn.
16. What a bizarre desert island…an outlet, a DVD player, and nothing else? Good thing I brought __Breakfast at Tiffany’s/To Kill a Mockingbird (I can’t choose!!??!!)__, the one DVD I can watch over and over until the end of time!
17. Here’s the thing, _Kathy Lee Gifford_. You are nowhere near as good at _anything__ as you think you are. So stop appearing on my tv.
18. I’ve always wondered what I’d look like as a_ cat__.Probably pretty effing hot.
19. OK, __Diana Krall________, you can have my wit, charming smile, and dazzling skill with words, but in return, I must have your __voice_.
20. Was _paying my quarterly taxes this year___ really necessary? I mean, seriously.
1. I’ll buy pretty much any magazine with fattening food on the cover.
2. If every show I watch aired at the same time on different channels, I’d watch Mad Men and DVR True Blood. I am also a cliche.
3. I would never call it my favorite song, but I do love “In Remote Part (Scottish Fiction)” because it reminds me of the last stupid time I fell in love.
4. I’d spend any amount of money on tickets if Led Zeppelin was/were touring, but only if they resurrected Bonzo.
5. If that Other Site approached me to write a weekly column, it would be like Modern Love, and I would do it a lot better than any other douchehat who has ever written a Modern Love-like column at that site or anywhere else.
6. I have often wondered what [redacted because it seems unseemly to talk about the Chief of Staff like that] looks like naked.
7. The old Wordsmoker piece I would totally feature if we were doing “Archive Week” would be Margaret Atwood Cage Match by Wences. In return, I would like Wences to write another movie treatment about me, because nothing comes free, asshole.
8. I do/do not share this site with friends because [what friends?]. I don’t care if that makes me a awesome/a selfish bastard.
9. If Wordsmoker were a movie, Barbara Stanwyck would play Bookish. And win an Oscar for it, too!
10. My dissertation can suck it, for reals, yo.
11. My dissertation is the shiznit! Damn, girl!
12. All the remakes on TV and in theaters suck, but seriously, if they’re gonna remake something, it should be my dissertation.
13. Yes, I know this chocolate glazed donut with holiday sprinkles I’m eating right now makes me fat, but you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
14. I wouldn’t say I’m picky about food, per se, but if a mushroom touches my plate, someone’s getting a fork in the eye.
15. Thanks for that million bucks, dead rich uncle! I’m off to spend it all in one place, just as I’m sure you would’ve wanted! Orbitz/Travelocity/Priceline, open your doors–Mama/Papa’s got some serious cash to burn.
16. What a bizarre desert island…an outlet, a DVD player, and nothing else? Good thing I brought season one of The West Wing, the one DVD I can watch over and over until the end of time!
17. Here’s the thing, chupacabra. You are nowhere near as good at goat sucking as you think you are. So stop it with this shit before I shove my defunct HP all-in-one in your gaping maw and continue to try to use it it until you either eat me or have me committed. OPRAH!
18. I’ve always wondered what I’d look like as a person with a completed dissertation. Probably pretty effing hot.
19. OK, Judith Butler, you can have my wit, charming smile, and dazzling skill with words, but in return, I must have your tenure.
20. Was that hideous N+1 piece really necessary? I mean, seriously.
Bookish: Oooooooo. Mrs. Eric Bana. Good one.
1. I’ll buy pretty much any magazine with PUSSY on the cover.
2. If every show I watch aired at the same time on different channels, I’d watch TOP CHEF and DVR HELL’S KITCHEN.
3. I would never call it my favorite song, but I do love WITH OR WITHOUT YOU because it reminds me of WHEN I WAS YOUNG, DUMB AND FULL OF CUM.
4. I’d spend any amount of money on tickets if LED ZEPELLIN was/were touring (BUT ONLY IF THE RESURECTED BONZO) (tip of the hat to the lovely Minou for that one.)
5. If that Other Site approached me to write a weekly column, it would be about PUSSY, DRUGS AND BEER, and I would do it a lot better than that douchehat writer WHAT’SHISNAME WHO CAN’T WRITE HIS WAY OUT OF PAPER BAG? YEAH, THAT GUY.
6. I have often wondered what NORA DARLING. looks like naked. AND MINOU.
7. The old Wordsmoker piece I would totally feature if we were doing “Archive Week” would be ANYTHING by NORA DARLING. In return, I would like SHE KNOWS, because nothing comes free, [redacted].
8. I do not share this site with friends because IT’S COMPLICATED. I don’t care if that makes me a selfish bastard.
9. If Wordsmoker were a movie, RACHEL WEISZ would play LIPSTICK LIBRARIAN. And win an Oscar for it, too!
10. Dick Cheney can suck it, for reals, yo.
11. MY WIFELEH is the shiznit! Damn, girl!
12. All the remakes on TV and in theaters suck, but seriously, if they’re gonna remake something, it should be CAPTAIN KANGAROO.
13. Yes, I know BEER makes me fat, but you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
14. I wouldn’t say I’m picky about food, per se, but if TRUFFLES touche my plate, someone’s getting a fork in the eye.
15. Thanks for that million bucks, dead rich uncle! I’m off to spend it all in one place, just as I’m sure you would’ve wanted! AMAZON.COM, open your doors–Mama/Papa’s got some serious cash to burn.
16. What a bizarre desert island…an outlet, a DVD player, and nothing else? Good thing I brought ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: ANY SEASON, the one DVD I can watch over and over until the end of time!
17. Here’s the thing, GOD. You are nowhere near as good at RULING THE UNIVERSE as you think you are. So stop FARTING AROUND before I shove my FOOT in your ASS and SHAKE it until you POOP NIKE. STUPID SUPERNATURAL FIGMENT OF THE HUMAN RACE’S COLLECTIVE IMAGINATION!
18. I’ve always wondered what I’d look like WITH MY HEAD BETWEEN JANE BIRKIN’S LEGS. Probably pretty effing hot.
19. OK, REGIS, you can have my wit, charming smile, and dazzling skill with words, but in return, I must have your CO-HOST.
20. Was ANNE COULTER really necessary? I mean, seriously.
@BJ: I’m flattered. And also: LED FUCKING ZEPPELIN, right on. I’ll even treat. But you have to get naked after.
Minou: You’re on.
Personally, I dont use a calendar
or a clock. Or mapquest.
Does the wind use a calendar?
Does the rain use a clock?
Also. I’m going to stop using punctuation
I’ll see you ＿＿＿ when I see you＿＿＿
I’m Coyote
Minou: I’m working on an full-on musical multi-media totally immersive virtual reality experience thrill ride piece about you. There’s equipment and hardware and liability wavers and everything. The audience will emerge stunned and able to speak the foreign language of their choice.
It’s almost done. I just have to finish the pie fight scene. I can’t quite decide what kind of pie.