Sitka, Cromwell, Redi-Whip, Phalanges and Trig: A Look Back

Recently, our esteemed editor posted about apocalypse harbinger, lipstick-smeared syntaxulatrix, and Machiavellian outrage merchandiser Sarah Palin, who seems at the moment to be sliding from public prominence into some sort of shadowy PAC-rat purgatory, her Google-enabled grimace relegated to haunting the margins of any website who happens to mention her.

And as I contemplated this fearsome phantom, I remembered that it was almost exactly a year ago that our attention, as a nation, was transfixed, day and night, week after week, as the details of her life unfolded like soggy origami into ever more grotesque shapes before our very eyes.

Back then, the focus was on the family. And while a certain sense of all-pervasive conspiracy birthed one kind of frenzy, behind it lay the more banal boondoggle of the Palin family itself. Every day seemed to bring a new family member into view, and with it, another mindbendingly unlikely yet prosaic name, as if produced by cutting up an outdoor goods catalog and assembling a family from the debris. These were names?

This fascination spawned a frenzy of inspiration. A Palin family name generator popped into existence. We found out that the most famous of these names, Trig, in an almost impossibly ironic twist, meant “Truth,” and was “a male name common in some Nordic countries (Icelandic:Tryggvi Norwegian:Tryggve) but it is maybe most common as a dog’s name.”

And the community of Wordsmokers then under nascent formation was not immune from such frenzy. On the Friday night before last year’s long, harrowing-but-hopeful Memorial weekend, a group of brave souls found themselves in an obscure corner of the internet, caught up in that most time-honored of internet traditions: beating a joke so far past its natural death that the activity becomes unmoored from its initial inspiration and takes on a life of its own, fueled by the giddiness of communal creation. In premodern Japan, saké-soaked jackanapes would trade linked verses into the wee hours to satirize public figures and show off their linguistic dexterity; today, this is what the internet is for.

And so, as a makeshift send-off for Sarah and the nonsense she inspired as her most lasting legacy, I’ve assembled an official list of alternative Palin Baby Names for all to see, in order, and unexpurgated. Contributors to the cause include yours truly, Rosa Luxembourgeoise, Kora In Hell, BC, NotAndersonCooper, Mister Hippity, Dorothy Mantooth, Aaron Altman, HtotheOmo, Nina Hagen, and Binky’s Dream.

I recommend pacing yourself, and maybe lining up some shots in an easy-to-reach spot.

Enjoy:

Truck, Burlap, Ski-Doo, Unleaded and Trig

Bunk, Twister, Pegleg, Gumboot, and Tuft

Toque, Frostbite, Paper-Clip, Breast-Pump, and Trig

Flubber, Turin, Murdoch, Slinky and Trig

Dawdle, Gunboat, Stromboli, Hobo and Dek

Bolero, Krunk, Fleetwood, Stetson and Trig

Stick, Bratwurst, Whiplash, Partay and Trig

Clearcut, Tonka, Spacecraft, Elkjerky and Trig Michael II

Clip, Ammo, Semper, Bradley and Trig

Grunt, Cubicle, Pogo Stick, Dander and Nom Nom Nom

Boson, Planck, Syzygy, Ersatz and Chumbawamba

Elvis, Sugarwater, Mercury, Oliver North and Trig

Dump, Man Purse, Schwinn, Fogger, and Trig George Michael

Permafrost, Octane, Goob, Sandbag and Trig

Single Malt, Santaland, Wimper, Bogey, and Trig Little Feet

Camper Van, Foam, Weepy, Hoser and Trig Kim Vo

Clambake, Pylon, Liszt, Catamaran and Remedial Trig Jr.

Mush, Rummy, Fanny Pack, Dander and Trig Van Halen-Gogh

Glock, Chastity, Windshield, Clap-on, and Trig Todorevitch

Tiffany, Playdoh, Pluribus, Jar Jar and Trig Madison

Transformer, Hissy Fit, Hemlock, Canker and Trig Maddyssen

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Butane, and Trig or Treat

Ripcord, Hummer, Moraine, Pinprick and Trig

Creamjam, Bonestorm, Fist, Dock and Trig

Breadcrumb, crouton, shekels, voir dire, Interlochen

Pit Stop, Banality, Nutella, Sprinkler and Trig Beau Biden

Luftballon, Dextromethorphan, Poppycock, Analingus and Trig Trig Trerie

Grumman, Livestock, Serbian, Head-on, and Trigger Finger

Osmond, Nilla, Crisco, Altoid and Trig

Clitorasaurus, Rex, Balsa, Weinberger and Trigoleeza Rice

U-Haul, Spork, Cheney, Locust and Trig Ziggy Stardust

Pepsi, Dokken, Scrapbook, Dogfight and Triggy Dig

BVD, HPV, IRS, SONAR and TRIG

Flap Jack, Carpet Munch, Gazebo, Manifest Destiny and Trig I Stan

!, ?, %, * and Trig

Hep-A, Hep-B, Hep-C, Hep-D and Trig

Ham Hock, Measle, Tito, Filofax, and Trig Happy Meal

Schnapps, Casey Kasem, Tweeter, Crocs and Trig Bin Einberliner

Seacrest, Jäger, Otter Pop, Cymbalta, and Trig Benihana

Roid Rage, Lamé , Dingleberry, Pampers, and Trig R Happy

Adderall, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Zanax and Trig SE

Hee Haw, HoHos, HooHah, Hi-Ho and Trigger

Strap-On, Polio, Falstaff, , Restoration Hardware and Trig ABD

Hemroid, Eczema, Psoriasis, Diaper Rash and Trig with Aloe

Guar Gum, Gwar, Guantanamo, Gordito and Trig Trig Sputnik

Sacrifice to Baal, Ashley, Reckson, Taylor, Blake, Chet and Trig

Tidy Bowl, Rabies, Bad Seed, Courtesy Flush, and Trig Jefferson Clinton

Centrum, Cremaster, Creation Museum, Camembert and Cunny Trig

Scat, Scuba, Skillet, Sketchers and Trig Scooby Doo

Prat, Pregger, Pringles, Priapus, and Prince or the artist formerly known as Trig

Kobe Beef, Appletini, Arugula, Latte and Trig Tartare

Dougherty, Wentz, Lodwick, Juliaallison and Triggermax

Labia, Vulva, Urethra, Ovulation and Trigtini

Kardashian, Lohan, Hilton, Spears and Trig Kimora Lee

Nutsack, Scrotus, Spermatazoa, Smegma and Trig Vas Deferens

Rad, Rhisome, Remora, Reptilicus, and Cheap Trig

Greenwich, Stockbridge, Willliam F. Buckley and Trig van Devere

Vulvantine, Penildo, Assimistros, Analbittenstrensom, and Tribbin’ Trig the Trolloping Trenchcoat Trattoria Owner

Tim Gunn, Angry Peanut, Santino, Blue Fly Accessory Wall, and Trig Hot Mess Tranny from Transylvania

Tarp, Brillo, Worchestershire, Putin, and Trig Doggy Dogg

Vlad, Cruella, Syphillina, Cold Sore, and Trig the Clean

Bullwinkle, Metamucil, Discharge, Perianal, and Trig Honeysuckle Shishkebab

Wimbledon, Duracel, Ovaltine, Ballpeen, Vagina and Trig Nasty

Cos, Sin, Tan, Sec, and Trig

Jockitch, Clusterfuck, Centrifuge, Plastique, and Colonel Trig Sanders

Groinmeister, Miley Cyrus, Ball Bearing, Slap Happy, and Trig Aleve Hegel

Chancre Boy, Pustule Girl, Mike Barnicle, Contempo Casuals, and Trigfeetsmelllike Cheddar McCheese

Cosh, Sinh, Tanh, Coth (the one that dresses like Robert Smith) and of course, Trig (the straight one)

Blazing Saddles, Despair, Clitoridectomy, Ziplock, and Trig von Lap Danzig

Pinesol, Short Leash, Cellophane, Aspartame, and Trig the Barbarian

Superfly, Shaft, Cinderella, Joleen, and Trig Scott-Heron

Ashcroft, Burqa, Studio by JC Penney, Stealth, and Trigs on 45

Ban-Ki Trig, Trig Hammarskjold, Boutros Boutros Trigsli, Botswana, Five Guys Named Trig

BJ, Bear, Convoy, Breaker Breaker and Trig Rig

Slobodan, Radovana, Ceaucescina, Seselj, and Trig with his hands in the air like he just don’t care

Rumsfeld, Zbigniew, Muskie, Dulles, and Ernesto Che Trig

Skoal, Jailbait, Booty Call, Woodpecker, and Trig sans serif

Pride, Avarice, Gluttony, Walmart and Trigsley Mortimer

Stetford, Exacto, Pennysaver, Bendy and Henry the Trig

Boorman, Wynette, Evita, Rapture, and Triglet from Poo Corner

Flag Pin, IUD, Temperance, Knob, and Trig Biv Devoe

Beaver, Wally, Junior, Bjork, and Triggle Down Economics

Trig Boat Veterans for Truth, Red My Trig: No New Taxes, Triggy Horton, I Am Not A Trig, Hey Hey Trig B J, How Many Trigs Did You Trig Today?

Drill Bit, Funkytown, Snowshoe, Dilantin, and Trig, the neighborhood bully

Chastity, Forbearance, Vestibule, Beyoncé and Myers-Trig

Syrah, Grenache, Viogner, Merlot, and Jackson Trig

Butte, Climax, Hooter, Tammy Faye, and Ludwig von Trig

Carmina Trignana, Beethoven’s 9th Trigphony, The Blue Trigube, Trig of the Valkyries, Rhapsody in Trig

Yar, Wesley, Geordi, Troi and The Trouble With Triggles

Spruce, Cannery, Pipeline, Doomed Gay Son, Trigger Finger

Larry Bird, Dennis Johnson, Robert Parrish, Kevin McHale, Danny Ainge, Trig Auerbach

Cinque, Sewage, Neckwound, 4hourboner and Trig the Bloatedorphan

Leakage, Dormroonpeestain, Chokehold, Shitty Jean and Minnytrig

Rotten, Exene, Beefheart, Bauhaus and Triggy Pop

Absorbine, King of France, Stepchild, Roadwork and House of Trig

Gummo, Thirdleg, Letterbomb, Noose and Trig The Magic Dragon

Zephyr, Trout, Drowny, Wrench and Trig Inthewildlifepreserve

Triggy, The Twigplacements, Twig Who, Twig Leppard, Twigsryche

Aphasia, Feces Lee, Toilet, Raunch and Trader Trig

Bareback, Santorum, Humper, Astroglide and Twig Tiffany Buttgasm

Glans, Mulva, Sphincter, Gurney, and Boss Trig

Leiderhosen, Glue Gun, Thumper, Gellule, and Three’s Company Trig

Lance, Exxon, Massengill, Sally-Ann, and Fredricks of Trig

Lisbon, Brussels, The Hague, Yalta, and Maas-Trig

Canker, FreezerCase, Gas Station, Oilyrag, Trigger’s Stuffed Dick

Burkina Trig, Myantrig, Eritrigea, Bhutrig, Madagastrig

Gloryhole, Gymbag, Rugburn, Pimpernel, and Trig the Plentiful

Freezerburn, Cocktease, Lolita, Sister Mary-Elephant, and Trig the Knife

Arrested Boy, Patriot, Fructis, Skittles, and the Seminal Work of Trig

Ni, Bint, Fechez la Vache, Dennis and Trig of the Round Table

Skeet, Portia, Lucretia, Imelda, and President Trig-For-Life

Odor, Slaughterhouse, Entrail, Tumor and McTrig The Crime Puppy

Cahulawassee, Griner, Toothless, Dueling Banjos and Trig Squeal like a Pig

Vasodilator, Pfizer, Motel 6, Le Car, and Cap’n Trig

Oxymoron, Skort, Clapper, Festivus, and Trig the Comedian

Chaps, Serendipity, Shovel, Clapboard, and Le Trig

POW, Liverwurst, Impetigo, Lil’ Booger, and the Quiet Trig

Rent, Hairspray, Le Miz, Riverdance and Trig Lloyd Webber

Gogol, Bento, Lesion, Valtrex, and a Trig for all Seasons

Lance, Gomorrah, Playtex, Particleboard, and a Trig Called Wanda

Sunkenbus, Caution Flag, Human Torso, Shallow and Twigscaughtfire

Flatulence, Kugle, Repo, Easy Bake Oven, and Trig the Impaler

Funky Chicken, Chia Pet, Shag Carpet, Feeling 7Up, and Peaches & Trig

Bunker Blaster, Deep Throat, Solvent, Residue, and Trig, the Pimp with a Heart of Gold

Gotcha, Chapstick, Gherkin, Anusol, and Secretary General of the Central Committee, Comrade Trig

Manboob, Ringworm, Krusty, Vadge, and Trig Knows Best

Stubble, Carlabrunisass, Polyp, Surface of Venus, and Marquis de Twig

Wile E., Accent Table, Slush, Fissure, and the Iron Trig

Tool Kit, Thong, Nozzle, Colostomy Bag, and Trig Factory Outlet

Veejay, Veejayjay, Swallow, Accident, and Cardinal Trig

Trag, Treg, Trug, Trog, Tryg

Crowd Control, Dart Game Mishap, Foodsource, Digital Exam and Twig Upmybutt

Don’t Ask-Don’t Tell, Triphasil, Gingivitis, Anticlimax, and Trig, the Junior Senator from Illinois

Roughsex, Younevercallme, Overdose, Facebook and Cowardly Twig

Captains Courageous, Adam’s Rib, Father of the Bride, State of the Union & Father’s Little Trigadend

Barium Enema, Bulimia, Slimfast, Irregularity, and Chicken Soup for the Trig

Drillbit, Dirty Sanchez, Dockers, Download, and Digg It Trig It

Plea Bargain, Coitus Interruptus, Space Heater, Ovule, and Grandmaster Trig (and the Brides of Funkenstein)

Live Bait, Otter, Diarrhea, Overbite, and Club Twig

Undescended Testicle, Retractile Testes (fraternal twins), Trampoline, Freedom Fries and 100% Recycled Trig Matter

Jailer, Mute, Skillet, Scrotum Hotel and Brazilian Twig Dance

Muggle, Mercutio, Distemper, Champagne-Urbana and Trig Newton
Spartacus, Spartacus, Spartacus, Spartacus, and Trig

Kalashnikov, Gloss Finish, Velcro, Landing Strip, and Trig the Next Generation

Alma Mater, Barrista, Plantain, Crocs, and Michael “Trig” Phelps

Gherkin, Toad-in-the-Hole, Banger, Tripe and Triggy Pudding

Mephistopheles, Kegel, Zygote, Carbuncle, and L. Ron Trig

Grunt, Leakage, Non-Dairy Creamer, How-Did-This-Happen, and DJ Jazzy Trig

Trig, Trug, Trigging, Will Have Trugged, and Trigger, Please

Wolfscat, Prostitute, Furniture, Drinkshisownurine, and Twignac The Magnificent

Elvis, Blubber, Django, Aluminium, and Trig 2.0

Twitch, Tubal ligation, Toilet Train, Titer and Trigomonas vaginitis

Manhunt, Juvenalia, Scat, Jon-Benet, and the Unbearable Lightness of Trig

Pelt, Stoolsample, Federal Reserve, Riding Crop, and System of a Trig

Cumulous, Fortran, Ikea, Mein Kamf and Li’l Trig

Gaydar, Engorge, Talking Point, Crimson Tide, Heck-Of-A-Job Trig

Beer Goggle, Rainbow Yawn, Bumping Ugly, Walk of Shame, and Trig Transmitted Disease

Glastnost, Jocasta, Munchausen-by-Proxy, Handjob, and Devious trig

Rape Kit, Aneurysm, Filler, The Beatles and Walt Trigney

Reams, Fister, Queef, Spank and Blumpkin

Gump, Pap Smear, Meth Mouth, Butterball, and Trig the Supercollider

Steinbrenner, Azazel, Lawn Dart, Stem Cell and Trigged Election

Target, Bulemia, Eve-Ensler, Rhythm Method, and Trig Habermas

Snoopy, Rubik’s Cube, Manhole, OB-GYN, and Diana Trig as Medea

Gimlet, Buckshot, Sniglet, Nurse’s Choice, Trig Triggerson

Hungarian Crotch-Rot, Germs That May Cause Bad Breath, Cunnilingus, Lysol, and Trig on Rye

Clip, Teabag, Estrogen, Luna, and Primo Trig

Seratonin, Frangipani, Spanx, Hammerhead and Trigdor

Slavoj, Udder, Mammal, Mishap, and our little angel, Trig

Saddleback, Wonderwall, Pith, Glucose, and Trig Chi Minh

Blackjack, Matrix, Hellion, SlutMachine, and Trig Gardiner

Onan, Princess, Membrane, Pisse-Chaude, and Martin Luther Trig

Manthefuckup, Haliotosis, Crapshoot, Britney, and the Catcher in the Trig

Upchuck, Humperdink, Slackjaw, Syllabus, and the Alpha Trig

Birth Defect, Skullfuck, Shrapnel, Asphyxtor Asphyxtoria, and Mohamed el Trig

Cinnebon, Support Hose, Diabetic Coma, Reverse Cowboy and Trigger Pull My Finger

Costanza, Credenza, Clytemnestra, Creedence Clearwater Revival and Trig

Pre-cum, Bikini Kill, Suppository, Slightmiscalculation, and Trig Zimmerman

Manscape, Sanitary Napkin, Beer Bong, Fingering, and Trigs Gone Wild

Minibar, Scrum, Coelacanth, Semantic Drift and Trigula, the Transylvanian Mathlete

Age Inappropriate, Show Me On the Doll, Crystalle Meth, Back to Africa, and Trig In Japan

Bald Spot, Femur, Trump Sweat, Stinky Widow, and Chiquita Trigita

Barely Legal, Bellini, Meniscus, Rhinoplasty and Trig-in-a-Poke

Fauxhawk, Shart, Organza, No-spot, Cameltoe

Airwick, PTSD, Areola Borealis, V Chip, and Trig von Karajan

Strap-on, Glitterati, Mallard Filmore, Demitasse and Trig Von Furstenberg

JELL-O Pudding Pop, Labial Rejuvenation, Hoof and Mouth (the twins), and High Definition Trig

Rage Issues, MoneyShot, Second-Runner-Up, Solidarnosc, and psychadelic Trig

Nexus, Sexus, Praxis, Lexus, and synthesis, i.e.: Trig

Knut, Pebbles, Bam-Bam, Ishtar and a Streetcar named Trig

Brute Force, Bathtub Gin, Donkey Show, Vaginal Fart, and Trig on a Kaiser Roll

Gerbil, Manhands, Upholstery, 8Track, and Trig in a blanket.

Kreutzfeld and Jakob, K Mart Special, Krucoff, and Kim Trig Il

Twister, Hookah, Spin-the-Bottle, Goulash, and Trig, your hair smells terrific!

Esperanto, Falwell, Foreskin, Lugnut, and Beavis Trig.

Smack, Pistol, Pillow, Sniper, and Triggie Smalls.

Groin Injury, Mission Accomplished, Surge, Personal Jesus Travel Wipe, and in Search of Lost Trig.

Mormon Jesus, Blithering, Chicken of the Sea, Rectal Tuft, and Triggie the Mooch.

USA, Dysmennorrhoea, White Bronco, Tipper, and Vladimir Ilich Trig.

Smack, Pistol, Pillow, Sniper, and Triggie Smalls

Crank, Dristan, Beechnut, Pamper and Trig Herbert Walker Bush

Rambo, Abstinence, Swiss Miss, Jason, and Rear Admiral Trig.

Mumia, Effexlor, Tupak, Genesis, and Astrig Lindgren.

Lifer, Tang, Aiken, Rimjob and Trig in a poke

Four-Wheel, Twofer, Seven-Up, Threeshelle and Triggy-Five

Peter-Trig, James-Trig, John-Trig, Matthew-Trig, and Judas-Trig

Construction Beam, Infant Sex Harness, Folio, Tourist and I Dream of Trig

Hernia, Easy Pass, Monkey Organ Transplant, Lawn Product and Gentleman Trig

Soup Kitchen, Smokers Hack, Trophy Dog, Follicle and Trig of The Jungle

Jumpsuit, Shapely, Cartilage, Roller Derby and My Fair Trig

Starsky and Hutch (the twins), Freak Out, Pistule and Huggy Trig

Guns and Ammo (the twins), Highlights, Cat Fancy and Ladies Home Trig

U-Haul, Norwegian, Copraphilia, Nancy Reagan and The Importance of Being Trig

Blow Chunks, Hanky Panky, Deflate, Bungee, and All Terrain Trig

Jack-a-lope, Pilates Sex Ladder, Tournequet, Pony Ride, and Lee Press-On Trig

Combat Boot, Outpatient Surgery, Gas-X, Rooster, and Ye Olde Trigge

Flop Sweat, Second Life Avatar Abuse, Mayhem, Golden Shower, and When I Think of You I Touch My Trig

Wolf Blitzer, Big Girl Panties, Taintgasm, Oven Cleaner, and Trig: It’s What’s for Dinner

Hat Trick, Vibrator Fiasco, Garfield Enthusiast, Creamy Nougat Center, and Trig: The Other White Meat

Bristol, Willow, Piper, Track and Trig