New Commenting System Coming As Soon As You Read This
Published: July 10, 2009
All Change Is Good. It must be welcomed into your terrifying human lives like an ex-marine carrying a fake-baby (or faby) made entirely of loose meats and spite, so I’ve decided the comments system here at Gawker Wordsmoker needs an upgrade. How else are we to keep up with the rest of those other Webfeet 2.0 sites out there, some of which I can’t mention due to legal reasons and/and giggling?
By the time your eyes reach the bottom of this post a whole new commenting system will be in place, and so as not to surprise you like a raccoon jumping through your open bedroom window with an AK47, I thought I’d detail some of these changes using words and fully-formed sentences written primarily in the language of English.
As you’ve probably noticed, for a while all the comments on Wordsmoker have been sadly readable. I’ve always considered this a failing on my part, although some of the blame must be placed on the actor Ernest Borgnine and his “crew” of lawyers and the “extended family” of unicycling cultists he surrounds himself with. Yeah – that Marty guy just won’t leave me alone with his litigation-happy cult! Well, Marty Borgnine, I’ve finally taken on-board your hate-filled screeds of AOL-mailed advice and made some changes, bitch.
Commenter Badgers: From tomorrow you can stalk your fellow commenters by clicking on the “badger icon” embedded within the body of every single comment. The bicon, the size of which will be approximately 4/10th’s of your current screen resolution (unless you view Wordsmoker on a netbook, when it will take up your entire screen and virtual memory allocation) will show a badger brandishing a child’s water pistol. Clicking on the bicon will send the commenter an automatically-generated email containing a random series of facts about hydrogen.
Comment Time Randomizer: Celebrate! No longer will you be able to follow the chain of thought in a series of comments by reading them from top to bottom. This is confusing and takes up too much of your time, and I’ve had non-Borgnine complaints about commenters being able to make sense of what appears to be a conversation on a web “site”. As you no doubt know, it’s things like “being able to follow things that others have written” that’s got Iran where it is today, a ridiculous Socialist enclave of ex-strippers and recalcitrant plumbers. From yesterday all comments will be spun in the Wordsmoker PHP Bucket, and the one containing the most vowels in relation to photographs of rodents running away from public transport will sit at the top in bold font and will remain there until you tick the box next to the comment saying “I have fully understood this comment and here is my one remaining credit card details”. Your credit card details will then flash repeatedly until someone (your Editor) empties your account into an undisclosed server in the Bahamas rented from Allen Stanford’s uncle Jerry.
Comment Bacon: From Sunday, if you read a comment you like on Wordsmoker, you can “pig it” by clicking on the bacon rasher next to the time of the comment below the geo-location and the home address (including window count) of each commenter which will be embedded in light blue below the details of each comment-comment. If a particular comment receives 2.5 kilogrammes of bacon, the comment is highlighted in a shade of fuchsia that makes you want to stick a car aerial in your brain to ease the pain. Please note – “bacon” and “bicon” will be spelt the same to make your clicking more “piggish”.
Virtually Hidden Comments: Comments received by commenters typing on their keyboards will remain virtually-hidden by making them the closest shade of white to the background. Here’s an example:
Denton is teh crazy. But very rich.
As you can see, the test text above is virtually hidden from your eyes, making every day on Wordsmoker more like an Easter egg hunt but with letters and punctuation and less Jesus-based rabbiting. Select the entire content of the web page (click and scroll from the top to the side, then back to the middle then right or alt-click and select “View Hidden Prophet”) and then print it out on heat sensitive paper while wearing gardening gloves (to protect the content from your latent body heat).
YouTube Squawk: A button will indiscriminately appear during a full moon that allows you to upload video of you squawking at a particular comment to YouTube.
Comment Benji: If any comment reminds you of the heart-warming 1974 film “Benji“, you can “Benji It™” by holding CTRL + B + E + N + J + I and a small bark will be produced from your computer mouse or trackpad.
Several other comment modifications will be coming soon. These will include:
- Comment Sarkozying – An animated gif of Carla Bruni bending down to kiss a diminutive French leader will appear.
- Comment Necking – Clicking this button will make the original commenter turn their head slightly.
- Comment Docking – If you find a comment too long to read, simply click this button and your screen will go blank.
Of course, it’s early days of the new system, and some (if not all) of the above functionality may be reduced due to atmospheric conditions. Please bear with us as we work out any bugs and blame them on lack of knowledge in creating them in the first place.
I love you.
Can you just sendme the bacon regardless? I’m a little peckish.
But honestly – this is genius. I too love you. A deep, Scottish-Canadian love.
@Virus: I don’t love you, but I strongly like you for this, which may be a little more creepy than loving you. To be honest, I wish that some of these were real. Comment Sarkozying may be the greatest option ever imagined.
CLICK ON TEH BADGER’S WATER PISTOL.
CLICK CLICK CLICK
I just received random facts about hydrogen!
THANKS TO WHOEVER CLICKED THE BICON!
I loved him first. Step off.
ChillbearLatrigue: I wish I could CommentSarkozy people in real life.
Genius is overused so I will just say, Maestro.
I hope someone links to this on the Gawk. I wouldn’t mind suiciding like that. Their new system is a joke.
Hmm….yeah, this is all great, but have you figured out a way to have the computer punch me in the face? I like bacon, but I like getting punching in the face more.
I also liking gerunds lots, apparently.
This is the most heartwarming thing I have ever read. I give it multiple Benji barks!
No Comment Bookish? That’s for when you write something really stupid, you push the hourglass shaped button and and a scowling blonde pops up and tells you to kiss her big Jewish ass in Macy’s window.
What a bloody mess they’ve made of things. I am tempted to use my starred status to fuck shit up over there. Stay tuned, darlings.
Did someone say Ernest Borgnine?
My God, when will you Fox News people ever learn. Ernest Borgnine said “masturbate.” I think that I will refrain from pleasuring myself for a week (six hours) ((four really)).
And BL: If you think you’re frustrated, try being starless. I can barely read the print on my comments as Virus pointed out and anything that I write is subject to being pushed down by the star bullies. I believe that this was a direct attempt to cull my growing power.
I vow to redouble my energies and resources to making this site even more awesome. If this means becoming a dirty cop or ripping off the Social Security checks of old ladies to donate to the site, then so be it.
I’m clicking on the image of the cigarette lady to recommend this post for a Smokie. Genius!
Hells bells, Nina, eternal life!
VWS: Your life is clearly in danger if you don’t stop slaving over Wordsmoker code and begin pleasuring yourself with that hairy palm. And now, everyone go play with themselves as I begin pressing assorted buttons provided by Virus.
Yeah, it’s really not a commenting system update if you don’t somehow humiliate and degrade your fucking customers.
I’m just here for Kate Winslet’s tits. What’s the HTML for that?
I want to turn myself into Mary Louise Parker and serve you a pie.
Long time lurker, first time commenter, here… I had seriously thought about actually creating an account over *there* to express my hatred of the new system, and then I realized that no one would read it. I don’t know if the new greying out is to keep the riff-raff at bay or to keep the echo chamber echoing away (and over at Jezebel, I think it’s very much the latter rather than the former), but it’s dumb. Plain dumb.
Needless to say, I didn’t and I’ve decidedly switched my allegiance to Wordsmoker. Yay, me!
@Mediahohoho and g.nome: Comment Sarkozys from to both of you. Mhhh, I’m not sure when it happened, but I actually no longer consider you an enemy of the people. I’m not just saying that because you’re judging Micro-Fiction.
Um, Virus: This post is extremely funny.
By the way Virus, my bicon is not working.
Belltolls: I think you accidentally got the gaycon.
The new comment system on the other site worked for me for about four minutes today. During that brief period, I think I injured my eyes trying to figure out who was responding to what. Otherwise, since the changeover yesterday, I haven’t even been able to SEE the comments at all. And you know what? Without the comments, that site is not all that interesting.
I do still seem to have my star, FWIW.
@Doctor my eyes! Nice to see you. Okay the explains that. Now I am going to start looking for the tricon.
@Kid Twist: What’s weird is that I think more people are actually getting stars. Also, mine’s defective and doesn’t actually contain the powers it’s supposed to. Anyway, I prefer are Communist little area over here…
@DahlELama: I was wondering about that! There are so many starred commenters now who I don’t recognize at all! I’ve decided my lack of commenting yesterday wasn’t because I was dying from food poisoning but was, in fact, a miniature protest.
I guess this is as good a place as any, but I read something a few days ago that LolCait is leaving. Anyone confirm that and/or say why? I mean good for him if so.
@FracturedAcetabulum: Yes, end of July, he’s moving to Tv.com where he’ll continue to do those amazing recaps.
I think it’s because he’s too damn awesome.
I’ve had a full day to absorb the new changes on the other site. A group of people, who purport themselves to be liberals have now,
A. Created a three class system: Editors, Star Commenters and Regular Commenters like me.
B. Have announced that they are “not looking for: snark for snark’s sake, comments about Gawker, IM-like conversations, attacks on your editors, comments pointing out how stupid other comments are (do not engage the trolls) and basically anything else that we don’t like.”
C. Informed everyone that the stars would be issued to the commenters that they trust. In other words, you get to keep your star as long as you follow the prescribed agenda.
When I first started commenting on Gawker, I saw the site as a free speech forum. I understand that there is a necessity to keep your site from becoming a sewer, but they have essentially established the grand traditions of censorship, a police class and a means of disposing of opposition. Oh, and by the way, I believe that the entire staff is comprised of men.
I’m a straight shooter, but I don’t believe that these comments would have been allowed to be posted on the other site. I actually like some of the things that they do over there, but this is an affront to the freedoms for which I believe that we all stand. As near as I can tell, I am the most conservative voice in the room, but I think everyone knows that I am always the loyal opposition.
Now, can someone please hit the Comment Badger so that everyone can read this?
@ChillbearLatrigue: Your analysis hit every problem I have with the new Gawker format, although I might add that the comments seem to load much longer (and no, I’m not using IE, I use firefox and never really had an issue with loading them before).
While I’ve always found some of the comments to be pointless (and I’m sure I’ve said my fair share of them) I think that this new Commenter Class System (CCS, if you will) eliminates one of the best parts and reasons for the site. Yes, the posts are usually biased and each editor seems to have a personal vendetta against at least one person or thing (read: the former valleywag editor Owen Thomas and Marky Mark Zuckiebaby / all-editors and the NY Times) there was still room for anyone else’s input. Unlike the ability to comment on a nyt article – where the comments are usually hidden if you don’t sign in – Gawker gave the ability for anyone, even non-favorites, to actually say something that could get a great conversation started. Again, these kinds of comments stood out in, at many times, a sea of uh, mindless ones – but not all good comments come/came from starred commenters. Now, what is the likelihood that a good point from a non-starred commenter will be seen? Sure, starred commenters (Sweet Baby Jesus, am I really writing that?) can “star” these “non-starred” commenters (ohmigod I think I just lost a brain cell) – but it defeats the purpose of having a commenting platform in the first place.
Personally, I enjoy reading the faded out comments now… except its a little disheartening, especially when I see one that is f’ing brilliant and I know that it doesn’t really matter.
Ugh, anyway, nice work @ChillbearLatrigue. I appreciate your thoughts on the sitch.
I hope some of this made sense – I’m gonna go hit up happy hour and pretend my soul isn’t a little disheartened by a freaking blog.
@SFBirdie and Chillbear: Both of you, coming at it from separate directions, have hit the nail on the head.
Does anyone else eat grapes by peeling off and eating the tough, sometimes bitter, outside then eat the mushy sweet inside?
@monkeyrash: Yes. Mae West in “I’m No Angel.”
@Chill: I agree with a lot of the points you make and yeah, the new format is horrible, but Gawker never really was a very open forum. It used to be that to become a commenter you had to either have an e-mail address from a media company or “audition” by typing up witty comments and hoping some editor took a liking to you and approved you.
Or…sometimes they would throw open the doors to anyone for say, eight hours. That’s how I got in three years ago. There was NO WAY in hell that I was going to use my work e-mail address to get in, so I lurked for nearly a year. However, in the weeks after one of those open-gates periods, they would cull people like crazy.
I do appreciate that they got rid of the chat-room like ambiance that existed there say, a year or so ago, especially the “hey, look! Pictures of me in my bra!” exhibitionist who I won’t name. Wow, that’s witty. No thanks, lady, I have my own boobs, thanks! I never got FNFF and I notice that no one does it here, thankfully.
The recent editor vendettas, though, are awful. Owen was such a prick and I was downright excited to see him go. The Facebook commenting – bad idea from the start. And the absorbing of the other Gawker media blogs has been messy. Gawker started off as a New York media gossip site. The other day, The Cajun Boy did a nice post about, if I remember correctly, how various media handled the breaking news of Michael Jackson’s death. Some idiot actually complained that no one cares about who got the story first, etc. Way to understand the blog on which you’re posting, noob.
I appreciate that they had to branch out, as there are maybe 28 journalists left in the world now, but the quality of the commenters has seriously declined. I feel that the truly good contributors, like you and all the wordsmokers, will come out on top in the end.
Awww, Vox, I loved FNFF, and we do do that here, but in the chat room. xo
@Vaquero…ah, OK. See, that makes sense to do it in Chatzy. I don’t begrudge anyone a FNFF, but it used to drive me crazy when I sat down with my coffee Saturday morning and went to check out Gawker and the Friday night post had 1,184 comments. But enjoy your Chatzy chats, you crazy kids!
@Nina: I have been saying “farfala vendetta” all day at the park with my kid. Now all the other moms think I’m a crazy-ass Italian hood rat, thank you.