Wordsmoker Anthropology: Just How Awful Was Your 4th?
Published: July 05, 2009
We’re mostly pagans here in the UK and don’t celebrate the 4th of July, unless you think of it as another day to burn a virgin in a large wicker man situated on the coast where the authorities can’t see you with their special off-shore barbecue-sniffers. Have you ever slept with a virgin? I have – the questions are fucking endless, and half-way through I started a word puzzle and made some tea and told the aforementioned virgin that this was the most natural part of love-making, the culmination of which is “her shutting the fuck up and passing me a cigarette”. Virgins are boring – questions, moaning, more questions. Give me a slut any day. Where was I? Oh, yes.
Yesterday was the 4th of July across most of the world and many if not all the people in America celebrated by drinking too much and setting illegally-imported Mexican fireworks off in each other’s faces then vomiting over a domesticated animal and punching a family member in their hate-filled guts/trying to out-run a state trooper/fornicating with street lighting/all three, and probably caught on camera by TMZ or TruTv. It’s a celebration that your famous historic figures – Henry Kissinger, Charlie Sheen, Imelda Marcos – would be proud of if they were still alive today.
Most national celebrations suck because they are filled with the increasingly awful variables of humanity, alcohol and too much sunshine/badly-cooked meats, coupled with the fact that President Backatya Obama is outlawing Independence Day next year to save on fuel and spite – the two things that keep the engine of America ticking over like the flapping of a “SALE” sign beating off the windshield of literally billions of unsold cars.
My 4th was okay. I’m slowly coming off my stupid meds and I actually answered some emails and wrote some bitter shit about Sarah Palin that probably alienated Wordsmoker from 48% of the USA that don’t visit anyway. But, scholar of the human experience that I am, I am a-wondering how your 4th of July went – was it particularly awful? Did you lose any limbs? Was your own celebration shown on a loop on your local news channel – or even better – Anderson Cooper 360°?
Tell all below. Include pictures if you can. Especially if there was blood or nudity involved.
In Spokane, birth place of Craig T. Nelson, everyone leaves and drives the 30 miles into Idaho to strut their respective stuff on Sherman Street and the Resort in Coeur d’Alene (which headquarters the Aryan Nations, if you recall). Just imagine your entire high school class wearing wildly inappropriate swim wear for their age and swearing and riding mopeds and getting rides on the back of bullet bikes and dogs oh my god all the dogs and getting called a crazy liberal for telling a large burly tattooed and moustachioed fellow of about 28-32 that his bull dog would look better without the massive testicles and enjoying some amazing homemade ice cream in homemade waffle cones and buying Christmas ornaments from a year round ornament store and finally deciding after an hour and a half of all the debauched insanity it was time to leave fuck the fireworks fuck the shaved ice fuck the police fuck Idaho and head back into Spokane proper to people watch in the park downtown that was full up of what can only be called interesting characters and enjoying the fireworks display from a cheap hotel room away from all the crazy.
So there was plenty of semi-nudity, and quite a lust for blood.
And I had a Philly cheese steak made with Bison. It was amazing.
Freedom!
@Virus: I will not idly stand by while you insult the virgins that populate the ranks of Wordsmoker. Don’t you think that your crude assessment of virgins vs sluts might upset the delicate nature of the many pure women that write freely among us? How dare you, sir.
@SPP: “And I had a Philly cheese steak made with Bison. It was amazing.” Very American. Yrd.
Well, here’s the oddest way to spend the holiday -- taking part in a zombie parade. What IS going on with the Pacific Northwest, Panda? I’m so confused.
Also -- Thriller? I usually love bad taste, but MJ is in his own little zombie zone right now between death and burial, so it seems wrong.
In the video doesn’t embed, and I have a feeling it won’t because I’m like the Trig Palin of HTML, here’s the link.
http://blog.seattlepi.com/video/bcplayer.asp?bcpid=1543292903&bctid=28444494001
@Virus: I KNEW that word puzzle thing wasn’t normal, you lying liar who lies. Humph.
Seriously, glad to hear about the meds thing.
Oh, and I did fuckall for the Fourth of July because I am a consistently bad American. But, I sat in front of the computer and ate a cheeseburger and an apple turnover (who has time for pie?) so if one overlooks my brief trip to the gym yesterday, it was actually it was like a tribute to the American people.
Chill: I was considering the implications of my statement, “I had a Philly cheese steak made with Bison.” It occurred to me after the fact that this statement could indeed be interpreted as a metaphor for the American way of life, how freedom, particularly in capitalism and the free market, has paved the way to greed and over consumption, especially in the realm of rare and precious ever disappearing commodities.
But it did actually happen. And yrd, very American.
Vox: The northwest is what it is, and although I hate that cliche’, it’s apt in this case. Salt Lake has been doing a Zombie parade for a few years now as well. Come to think of it, Zombie parade could indeed be interpreted as an apt metaphor for what I witnessed in Idaho…
…you guys really going to let me go on like this?
yrd.
@SPP: The Bison has been making a comeback for a few years. If you want to keep an endangered species alive, turn it into a commodity. It is the surest way to make sure that mankind does not inadvertently kill it off. If there is a market for bison Philly cheese steaks, then it is worth someone’s while not to kill off the bison supply. White tigers are rare because there is no practical use for them. On the other hand, even though we don’t rely on horses for transportation, new markets have been created and horse populations thrive.
I can’t help you with Pandas though. Those fuckers just don’t want to breed.
I didn’t get laid. Again.
My street/neighbhorhood blended two big parties and probably $8000 worth of illegal fireworks. Actually at one point, there were at least five different people at points separated by only a block or so that were all shooting these off at the same time. It was pretty amazing and probably the best non-professional show I’ve ever seen. And no one blew themselves up.
It could be seen clearly from all over town so eventually a few police cars, a fire dept truck and the fire chief in his pickup came by and I guess decided that it was better to just keep the fire truck on the block (we all have California-style tile roofs) than arrest and process 10% of the residents of this small town.
So, it was a pretty great 4th of July.
I drank.
Eight five-year-olds and their parents joined my husband and me and my five-year-old in my backyard (which is directly across from midtown Manhattan on the NJ side). We fired up the grill, filled the old backyard clawfoot bathtub with beer, blew up the big kiddie pool, etc. Within an hour there were out-of-control water balloon fights between various five-year-olds and the daddies were doing boilermakers while some of the moms pouted over a profound lack of low-fat/vegetarian options. Hey bitches, if you want fake meats, bring ‘em next time. If it didn’t swim, crawl, or strut, it doesn’t get on my grill! I made margaritas and that shut their tofu dog holes up well good.
Around nine p.m. we walked down to the edge of the palisades and watched the Macy’s spectacular, which was quite beautiful. Later on that night I jumped my husband: this world, then the fireworks.
Vox: I particularly liked that one zombie who talked about “giving back to the community.” I’ll tell you what, America could use more zombies like that. Also: I was completely unsurprised by the utter lack of zombies of color at that “Thriller” teach-in.
Bookish: Best. 4th. Ever. Seriously it sounds great.
@LG: Meh, I could have done without the numerous brats, and their high-pitched squealing, to tell you the truth. And one of the daddies cornered me in my foyer and made a semi-lewd proposal. Just a bit too “Little Children”/”Ice Storm” for me, and I don’t even live in the suburbs. But the fireworks show over the Hudson was pretty exciting. Everyone should come to New York on 7/4 to see it at least once in their lives.
Bookish: I guess I was focusing more on the walk to the Palisades and the husband-jumping. And also your delicious-sounding, tofu-free grilling policy.
@LG: Yerd, I try not to be jaded about my li’l hood, ’cause it is pretty magical. It’s a city, but we have all manner of little guys–including possums and raccoons–that live on the hillsides. And the best views of Manhattan in the world, better than anything in Queens or Brooklyn.
I grill unironically in a Meat Is Murder apron. As for the husband-jumping, as you put it, it is one of the few benefits of being married; rock steady, baby.
My 4th was uneventful–my stupid Sabbath-observing prevented me from observing lots of delightful weirdos in Colonial dress traipsing around old Philly try to convince little children that Abraham Lincoln still roams among us, although I did get to observe some pretty damn amazing fireworks over the beautiful Philadelphia Museum of Art, so that was wonderful–but I actually had a terrific 5th. All-you-can-eat ice cream to raise money for the Children’s Hospital followed by a visit to the seaport museum to see the exhibit on sailor’s tattoos. Also, I’m about to eat my weight in hot dogs.
I’ve done the 4th in NY and I’ve done the 4th in DC, and so far, I think Philly’s taking first place. I look forward to actually getting to participate in the festivities next year, complete with some amazing pictures of cracked-out senior citizens who think they’re Betsy Ross.
Sproing: Smokie.
In Germany, I was invited to a Fourth of July celebration at some guy’s house who invited me out of obligation because we’re both in the American foreign student community. I begged a Chinese student friend of mine who loves the works of Friedrich Hölderlin to accompany me. She and I were bored stiff because, for an hour, the Americans were discussing libertarianism and making jokes about invading Canada. Then someone had too much to drink.
Alcoholized, this someone spent twenty minutes rambling on about how bad her trip to China was, how the men were disgusting, how the women were so demure, how the men roll up their shirts even though they have fat rolls, how the Chinese follow you around and point, how they are so nationalistic, how backwards they are in the countryside, how the cities smell, how she got sick from the food, how bad the pizza(!) tastes, how she was so happy to be in the hotel, et cetera ad nauseum. During all of this, my Chinese friend was sitting next to her her, listening politely, but this person didn’t once attempt to seek a Chinese person’s confirmation on what she was saying, she didn’t acknowledge her presence by looking over. There were no fireworks, as they are banned in Germany except during a very short window-of-time on New Year’s.