Whore Of Babble On And On And On: Is Sarah Palin The Antichrist?

Sometimes you just have to go with your gut, or even other body parts, like when you’re at Saratoga or Thistledown or Santa Anita and you basically have this very hot, tingly, but not unpleasant feeling like millions of fire ants are nesting in your perineum.

And what your fire-breathing perineum is telling you is that for some reason you just know for certain that it’s a fantastic idea to place $50,000 to win on a three-year old filly named “Tuff Pig Engine” who’s got about 5000 mgs of (entirely legal) furosemide coursing through her veins and whose eyes say that she’s about to have a psychotic break any minute.

And your perineum — !!!SURPRISE!!! — wins big. And so you take some of the cash and immediately call Fists of Fury Escort Service and treat your lucky perineum to an eight-hour very intensive perineal massage.

Which is one of the reasons why I’m worried that Sarah Palin is the Antichrist. It’s just this feeling I have.

This special feeling is also backed up by some hard-to-ignore cold hard logic, such as the undeniable fact that Palin’s core group of fanatical supporters are pretty much 99% pure and unadulterated (no pun intended, although anecdotal evidence suggests that most of them are sex fiends, or at least that’s what the guys at Fists of Fury Escort Service tell me) fundamentalist evangelicals who believe with absolute conviction in a literal reading of the Book of Revelation.

What do we know about the Book of Revelation?

What we know about the Book of Revelation is that it pulls no punches when it comes to spilling the beans on exactly who will first embrace The Beast as their Messiah: fundamentalist evangelical Christians.

Also, and this is where it gets real SPOOKY, the Book of Revelation (chapter 17, verses 4 to 6) is also painfully clear on the fact that the Antichrist is very likely a woman:

THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS

Which is, let’s face it, about as clear a reference to Bristol, Palin’s slutty daughter, as you’re going to find in any prophetic text on planet Earth.

Let’s listen to what God has to say on this topic in the Book of Revelation, which, by the way, sounds like something dictated by those staffers on the McCain campaign who were hoodwinked into “grooming” Palin for public consumption:

“And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls [THINK ABOUT IT! REMEMBER PALIN'S SPENDING SPREE: $49,425.74 AT SAKS FIFTH AVENUE, $75,062.63 AT NEIMAN MARCUS, $789.72 AT BARNEY'S, $5,102.71 AT BLOOMINGDALE'S, AND $4,716.49 ON HAIR AND MAKE-UP!], having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication [IS THERE SUCH A THING AS A "CHASTE" OR "MORALLY FASTIDIOUS" CHEERLEADER? I DON'T THINK SO!!!].

And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY [SUCH AS HER WEIRDO BEHAVIOR WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH TO TRIG THE DOWN SYNDROME BABY], BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS [SUCH AS BRISTOL] AND ABOMINATIONS [SUCH AS TRASHY NAMES FOR HER CHILDREN] OF THE EARTH.

And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints [SUCH AS THE MCCAIN STAFFERS SHE STABBED IN THE BACK], and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus [VERY LIKELY A REFERENCE TO THE SALESPEOPLE AT SAKS, NEIMAN MARCUS, BARNEY'S, AND BLOOMINGDALE'S]: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration [SUCH AS ADMIRATION FOR HOW A PATHOLOGICALLY LYING BARRACUDA WAS NOMINATED FOR THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL SLOT IN THE FIRST PLACE. THIS CAN ONLY BE THE HANDIWORK OF SATAN!!!].”

I feel a lot better now that I’ve gotten this all off my chest and have warned the American public about what it’s up against.

If you don’t believe me, please consider my track record (NO PUN INTENDED! HA HA HA!):

My perineum was right about “Tuff Pig Engine.”

And the guys at Fists of Fury Escort Service who’ve gotten used to some extraordinarily generous tips from a certain very charming and good-natured customer know for certain that my perineum never lies.