Facebook Ethics: To Be Spanked, Or Not To Be Spanked
Published: July 03, 2009
So I just received the following message in my Facebook inbox:
I think my bf Mr. X…
Is cheating on me…
Any insight?
–Mr. Y
My response to Mr. Y, “If he is, it’s not with me!,” is only partly true.
You see, this very same Mr. X has been IMing and otherwise pestering me to let him come over and “spank ” me. And that’s not a euphemism for anything, at all. Mr. X wants to spank–literally palm-to-ass–your humble scribe. I have said in no uncertain terms that I would “take a raincheck” on that. And by raincheck, I mean…
“No.” In fact, not ever.
How Mr. Y got my Facebook email is fairly easy to figure out, and I feel sorry for him. His boyfriend has attempted to spank me but has failed, and therefore my response was literally true. But it was inadequate in a fundamental way. In matters of the heart, penis, vagina and ass, of course, literal facts matter little, if at all. And we all know it.
By the same token, I am also not sure if I should go ahead and explain the whole truth to a man who is willing to hack his boyfriend’s Facebook account. Would he try to hack my house…my car…my cat?
Assuming that you know these guys in the real world, just explain a little. Say maybe that Mr. Boyfriend has been maybe flirting a bit an you didn’t reciprocate and emphasize that you do NOT want to be in the middle of their dispute. Don’t explain too much because then it gets even more complicated.
But if you don’t say something, Mr. Y could see some questionable outgoing e-mails or messages to you and it could look like something’s going on because you’ve issued a blanket denial.
If you only know them in FBland, then fuck ‘em. Send them a link to this post.
Also…spanking is AWESOME, silly! Though sort of odd when it’s the only interaction, I guess. Whatever.
Vox: Great advice, and I’m going to take your word for the spanking. I don’t rule it out at all, but I don’t want it from this guy.
I heard there was spanking. I came as soon as possible.
Did someone mention spanking?
I say ignore both of them.
Also, I wish I had your problems.
I think you should turn the other cheek.
What an asshole. He sounds like he’s on crack.
Eh, moonies or something…
Wow, you managed to find the LEAST EROTIC SPANKING PHOTO EVER PRODUCED.
That bear’s arms don’t even reach her ass.
@Unfun: IT’S PEDO BEAR – HIS HANDS AREN’T MEANT TO!!!
Unfun: I wish I didn’t have my problems. Neither of these guys is interesting to me in the least. Imagine, ummm…the lady with the gargantuan–like medically improbable–tits and coffee-with-half-and-half halitosis who was a total cunt to you down at the DMV asking you if she could come over and spank you. That is precisely how hot this is to me.
Is Mr. X hot?
Just curious.
Does he have strong hands?
Lawyergay: FINE! Destroy the fantasy why doncha.
@Lawyergay: Do you have this lady’s number?
I haven’t had any in ages.
Unfun: Mr. X is handsome. Mr. Y is a twink…and both of them are lame.
Virus: Google “Massachusetts registry motor vehicles” and then just start sending pictures and emails shotgun style. You’ve got to cast a wide net to catch a luscious porpoise.
@Lawyergay: I did – I think I’m going to try Rachel Kaprielian, who is the registrar there.
I like her eyebrows and gentle hair style.
Also – if you Google “luscious porpoise”, you get this beautiful image which I may get printed onto a black t-shirt so I can impress her when I visit.
I think they want to have the sexy porpoise times together. Like me and Rachel.
Virus: You are my luscious porpoise, at least in my dreams.
Laywer, you left a crucial detail out of this story:
Was this guy a bad, bad boy?
Hippity: Yes. But that’s irrelevant!
Let me proceed carefully here. If there is going to be spanking in Chillbear’s Lovemaking* rituals, it is going to be Chillbear administering the spankings. Furthermore, he will never allow himself to be bound. Not because he is so mighty or dominant, but because without the use of his hands he gets bored and nods off.**
*Chillbear’s Lovemaking is a registered trademark.
**By writing in the third person, Mr. Latrigue is able to disavow any knowledge of his own sex life.
Also does it bother anyone else that the porpoises are actually killer whales? Although they are obviously quite luscious.
@LawyerGay: I’m not gay, but I think certain concepts like class and good taste transcend sexual preference. It sounds to me like these two idiots deserve one another; infidelity notwithstanding. I’d just stay out of it and block them.
@Chill: Yes! That is Shamu, dammit, and he is a big fishy-mammal ladymagnet quite worthy of display on an airbrushed T-shirt.
This is why I do not Face the Book, children, though many of you have been ardently requesting me to do so.
Also, you don’t TELL someone you are going to come over and spank them; the spankee asks the spanker with variable levels of intensity over a long period of time if they will come over to spank them, and then you, the spanker, wait until the spankee is absolutely begging to be spanked, and even then, when you go to the spankee’s place, you hold back a little, until they are almost humping your leg with anticipation. Then you approach the spankee’s ass as you would a shy baby squirrel, gauging how much punishment this particular ass can handle. You unroll your implements…
Stay tuned for part two.
@BL: “Then you approach the spankee’s ass as you would a shy baby squirrel, gauging how much punishment this particular ass can handle.”
Best. Thing. Ever.
Geez, I thought I wanted Virus or Chill to spank me. I was mistaken, I want Bookish.
@monkeyrash: Yerd, get in line, baby.
To think I missed ALL THIS just to attend a family reunion.
Sigh…
At any rate, it is clear that I need to take a page from Bookish!