Wide Spread Panic, Fear During “Hell Week”

Dateline, Salt Lake City.

In a stark contrast to Kleberg’s County official greeting snafu, Salt Lake City is in the throws of “Hell Week,” an annual pagan festival where the atheists, gays, democrats, liberals, punks, hippies, regular Christians (not the Mormon Christians), blues musicians, masons, bird watchers, Canadians, the entire population of South Salt Lake (it’s a good joke if you’ve been there), vegans and anyone with an evil, evil FaceBook page gather to witness the descent of demons upon downtown.

Every year around this time young demons hatch from their den of evil on the 12th floor of what some consider to be an ironic/disrespectful place for a demon nest, the Joseph Smith Memorial building.  The new demons, bright eyed and adorably evil, spread their wings for the first time early Monday, and, as all the heathen worshipers gazed on in a hypnotic trance, descended for the first time upon the fair city of Salt Lake.

The regular folk, who should be used to displays of religious satire by now, panicked, like every year, and fled from downtown, watching in horror as the demons flew awkwardly from building to building.

The heathen onlookers watched with excitement, eager to take orders from their new leaders and help the young demons in anyway.  One of the young demons the locals have started calling, “Early Bird,” presumably for it’s innate taste for male genitalia, had the most trouble.  “He was headed for about the 8th floor. He had some slight contact with the building and he flared back and ended up in a flower bed,” screamed a terror stricken Bob Walters, the Watchable Wildlife Coordinator for the Utah Division of Wildlife Resources. 

Walters then caught the eye of the demon as it struggled on the ground.  A new calm overpowered Walters and his eyes turned red.  He, clearly possessed, turned and walked, zombie-like, toward the fledgling demon.  He scooped up the young demon and comforted it, gave it succor, and as the demon suckled from Walters willing teat he returned it to it’s nest via the church building’s elevator.

The Godless demon watchers are prepared to spend the next 10 days watching after the demons, hence the name ‘Hell Week’, eager to do their bidding.  Vivian Schneggenburger abandoned her husband to do her part in what is her fifth year of demon watching. “I just love this,” she said, a slight bit of froth emanating from the edges of her mouth. “We get to watch these wonderful birds of prey in town. It is amazing how they have adapted to all the noise and the people.  It is really cool to be able to help them and be a part of it.”

Really cool indeed.  If you’re a Godless heathen.

People from around the world, even as far as Vancouver, have tuned in to watch the spectacle, as the demon nest has it’s own webcam.  I would provide you with the link, but no link was provided when this webcam was mentioned in the source article.

For more on demon watching, see the article in the Salt Lake Tribune.

Image via the fiery depths of hell