Smokies Is Good For You – Commegeddon Edition
Published: June 28, 2009
Sorry for the absence of smokies last week. As you might recall, the comments flew to Buenos Aires to visit their Argentinian mistress, and did not spend time on the Appalachian trail in attempt to clear the head and write.
The woman pictured at the left is not the mistress, nor the wife. It is the living dead. Zombie Lohan. A real picture, from her real twitter.
It was topical, I guess.
Anyway, on with the awards. Both weeks, pre- and post-commegeddon, will be included:
Un Chien Andalou on Caption This – Back To Mono Special:
“You’ve Lost That Wig Concealing”
(This pun was Phil Spect-tacular.)
lawyergay on Small Texas Town Full Of Crazies, Surprise, Surprise:
In all fairness to the good people of Kleberg County, “hello” is in fact a truncated version of the traditional Middle English greeting “May Satan rip your balls off with his white-hot goat horns and force-feed them to your palsied grandmother in hell-o.”
(Truth!)
Vaquero on 5 Second Movie Review: Marley & Me:
This movie is a fast forward to the death.
(Even truth-ier!)
VirusWithShoes on Wordsmoker Upgrade – Private Messaging Working:
Should be fixed for all the above who mentioned that it wasn’t working AND THEN CRIED ABOUT IT IN PUBLIC WITH NO SHAME.
(Oh, snap. You tell ‘em ed.)
josiegroper on The Case For The Moustache:
I LOVE a mustache, I find them to be extremely sexy… I hate beards though… but give a man a nice mustache… and that is just yummy!!
(Expressing admiration and adoration for facial hair, particularly the moustache, may as well be a bribe. Spread the good word, josie, and that word is Moustache.)
Un Chien Andalou on Wordsmoker Private Messaging Update:
Well I’m gonna to go then. And I don’t need any of this. I don’t need this stuff, and I don’t need you. I don’t need anything except this.
And that’s it and that’s the only thing I need, is this. I don’t need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that’s all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that’s all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that’s all I need. And that’s all I need too. I don’t need one other thing, not one – I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that’s all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.
(No whammies no whammies no whammies no whammies STOP!)
BookishLookish also on Wordsmoker Private Messaging Update:
@BT: No fair, you’re supposed to be excited/scared not resigned/mournful.
*scratches cleavage in disappointment*
(Those four words injected such delicious imagery into all of our minds. I believe I speak for all of us when I say, “Thank you.”)
Newsmoker tilltheclockspeaksup on What We Talk About When We’re Talking To Birds:
this is the only communication i shall demonstrate in the most simplistic mode of importance to my generation:
(Such wisdom. You pretty much summed up my general feelings towards the youths of today with your satirical use of a colon and a parenthesis.)
To do a little something different, and to get this post out as quick as possible, Everyone Who Posted A Comment on 20 Billion Zerks Is A Lot Of Zerks. Hilarious, the lot.
Speaking of zerks, this week’s Mechanical Larynx award goes to Senor Wences for every pic and vid he posted on 20 Billion Zerks Is A Lot Of Zerks. Good stuff. Double whammy.
Iron Lung!:
Two this week, of course. First, ChillbearLatrigue for The Circumventors. I loved this short. Chill made it clear it was not intended to satirize the recent abortion clinic terrorism (it was written before Dr. Tiller’s death), but I feel it is a very apt satire of the insanity over sex education and the villinization of birth control in America. Well done, sir. Keep it coming, so to speak.
Second, Lawyergay’s Buddy Responds, for the use of “groundling.” Thanks for the nomination, Virus.
That is all! Can you hear the collective applause? I sure can. Or is that Zombie Lohan’s bones as she walks? That’s what we call a throwback in the biz, kids.
Feel free to send nominations for smokies to my much talked about wordsmoker private messaging, or to my email: samuraipandapoetry (at) yahoo (dot) com.
Image via Zombie Lohan Twitter
I’m very proud of my Iron Lung and I promise to keep endeavoring to make safe, ethical retroactive time travel a reality.
@UCA: I forgot how much I love that movie.
@BookishLookish: Scratching your cleavage may get you a smokie, but it is the least appealing cleavage reference I’ve heard in days.
@JG & SPP: Really? The moustache thing? Get a room.
I suggest that we don are harlequin costumes and kidnap Lindsay Lohan with the objective or restoring her hotness. Who’s in?
Samurai… does this mean you actually have a mustache??? Can I see it? There was no bribe intended, I just honestly dig mustaches…
Congrats everyone who contributed…
Unfortunately, Buddy couldn’t be here to accept his Iron Lung, but I will pass on the news to him using a cheerful new whistle I’ve been working on.
JG: Had. Just for a day. I posted a pick on my post about the Moustache, seen here. I’m doing a weekly blog on my facebook about my journey to the Beard Team USA Nationals next may, and the first step was a full shave, but I trimmed it down in steps, including the mutton chops, the handle bar, the stand alone ’stache, then the clean shave. Second step? Growth, from now until May.
As I stand here on the stage, I would be disrespectful if I did not give my Smoky to Steve Martin and Carl Gottlieb, who wrote the screenplay for The Jerk. Unless I’m receiving this award for Best Actor in a Smoky Comedy…well, screw them for paying me scale.
@CL: check your PM
Thank you for the honor. Falling back on your tits for praise is kinda cheap, but fellas, it’s also cushy as hell.
Congratulations to all – including those who won by bribery – but most especially to lawergay for winning both a Smokie and the coveted Iron Lung! Great work!
Seriously, who do I have to blow around here to get a Smokie?
Bookish: see you next week when you win another smokie for your 10:56 comment! Samurai: when are you going to start a series on your nose hairs?
@BLW: I just want to have a sleepover party with you and Lipstick and Unfun and all the other girls on Wordsmoker so I will have something fascinating to write about and then win a Smokie for more than being the recipient of the good Lord’s bounty. Can we make this happen, girls? I’ll supply the thai stick and 45s. You just show up and be your adorable selves.
@BookishLookish 10:56: HA! a lesson learned early and often, I’ve found.
and jeeeeez, I’m so proud! my first week and I get a smokie! You’re much too kind, SPP.
BL: IN!!!!!!! We will wear lingerie and have pillow fights and liveblog it and make all the men weep.
@Un: Liveblog: “Unfun just showed us all her ass and we all froze in place, dumbstruck by its incandescent beauty. You would not believe the quality. Then we had another cocktail and BL’s husband brought us grilled cheese sandwiches.”
BL: I’m there!
P.S.: You are kind to invite me despite my poor attendance here lately.
I guess my “Zerks” post had really good … comments-posted-by-other-people.
Yay for me!
@Hippity: You were inspirational. Take the credit.
@BL and Unfun and BLW (et al): …drool….
Damnit, Janet. This is what I get for rushing the smokies. ADENDUMS and OTHER SHIT:
Un Chien: You had several smoky worthy comments this week. I chose that one because it made me laugh a little more heartily. I say, with much shame, that The Jerk is on a list of films I’ve yet to see in their entirety but know I need to. I didn’t recognize the quote. Not to say your usage of it wasn’t brilliant, but if you feel you’d rather get sole credit for the award, pick any of your other comments and replace it.
Unfun: I blame the neglect on my lack of time to be as thorough as possible. I guarantee you a smoky next week if, at the end of each comment you post this week, include a remark about fellatio for awards. I was about to open up that option to everyone, but what a mess that would be. Imagine it. Now. See?
BLW: Don’t tempt me. I will, without any shred of shame, give you people a weekly update on my nose hairs. I’ll even start a new award system, called the Nosies, and the best photos of nasal hair will be awarded. You’ve been warned.
Tillthe: Well done indeed.
MisterHippity: Damnit, Janet. Your post most assuredly should have also been a recipient of the award, being the impetus to the hilarity. Take the credit indeed.
Now, this:
Sky Saxon, another musical legend, also died on Thursday.
The writings on the wall, boys. Bookish is having a slumber party and we’re not invited. There’s only one thing to do. Boys night out. I know a kick ass arcade that has all you can eat Red Vines as long as you’re buying the root beer. We can wear matching outfits to look extra cool. Who’s up for some skee-ball?
Dude. I’m in. I’m a skee-ball wizard. Tickets galore, and that means plenty of cheap-ass shit from over the prize counter.
@SPP: Yeah, and then we’ll crash the girls’ little soirre all sugared up and bearing a stuffed Pink Panther doll that was actually assembled back when Peter Sellers was in his prime, but we won’t give it to them. We’ll just show them are skee-ball gains and look smug.
I’m also great at looking smug. It’s even better with the moustache.
@CL and SPP; I’m no slouch at skee-ball but what I truly excel at is air hockey. I’m down for the procurement of some Pink Panther dolls. Or we could pool our tickets together and get that etched Night Ranger mirror. I know BL’s been eyeing that thing.
(where’s Vaq btw? she should be in the girls club)
I’d like to see both of you guys looking smug… yes, I believe that would be a good look for both of you…
Can I have the Pink Panther doll now?
@FA and SPP: You’re in. Everyone needs to look smug. These women can smell insecurity a mile away. If you can’t look smug, just douse on an extra splash of Axe cologne like in the commercials. Also, I think we should wear cod pieces like in A Clockwork Orange.
Air Hockey is awesome as long as we can liberally interpret the rules.
@JG: No, you can’t have the Pink Panther. Haven’t you been reading?
Also this sentence should have read: “We’ll just show them our skee-ball gains and look smug.” You can’t look smug with typos.