Prepare For The Hostile Panda Takeover
Published: May 04, 2009
Pandas, known in China as 土地的海狮, which translates literally to the Sea Lion of the land, are distinguished from their aquatic counterparts by the dark patches around the eyes, and the total lack of webbing between the toes. Look closely.
World renowned for incredible cuteness, the panda is the most huggable of the Ursus family, and in many societies it is considered a milestone in life to have hugged a panda. Many have tried. Many have died.
Pandas, particularly those in captivity, are extremely sensitive to jokes about being bi-colored. Until the great panda liberation uprising of the late seventies, most pandas faced discrimination from other bears, often being ridiculed for their white fur, being called horrible things such as, “Warm weather polar bear,” or, “Lazy grizzly,” now considered highly offensive slurs.
Pandas eyes are dark and cloudy, almost invisible to the human eye, but do offer a vision through the gates of hell for those fortunate enough to make direct eye contact.
In the panda’s natural habitat, they spend most their day eating or using bamboo as drumsticks to air drum to the like of Guns’n'Roses or Poison. Panda’s are notoriously big fans of Bret Michaels, and are responsible for nearly 75% of Poison record sales.
When encountering a panda in the wild, proper panda procedure dictates you extend your arms to welcome embrace, and repeatedly declare, “I love you, panda!” The panda should then stand and growl in ecstasy, and will often charge to share it’s wealth of bamboo snacks or have you join in on a wicked air drum session of “Welcome To The Jungle.”
Fear will not be tolerated.
Image via Code For Something
Are you threatening a Wordsmoker buyout?
No. I am threatening Pandasmoker.
the panda shits at midnight. repeat. the panda shits at midnight.
you have all been warned.
This confirms it for me. There is a definite sub-category of furry just for pandas. Either that or SPP is my ex.
I’ve been warning people about the Panda Threat for years. My God. Just look at their numbers.
And as their numbers grow, their cuteness grows exponentially.
one hour, twenty four minutes…
Look at all those pandas, just sitting there, each thinking up clever 101-word stories and Things Unnecessary.
No, no. These pandas were bred specifically to rewrite Shakespeare. Except the one on the very left. He’s doing Chaucer. He’s very lonely.
I think I see Panda Kerouac sneaking out of the pack. We all know where that fucker’s goin’
FA: smokie indeed. We’ve had a lot trouble with Panda Kerouac. That gives me another great panda post idea for pandasmoker… you were all warned indeed…