Alive In The Public Eye – An Atheist Perspective Of Alcoholics Anonymous
Published: March 13, 2009
Hi, I’m Isaac and I’m an alcoholic, and this is Alive In The Public Eye - An Atheist Perspective of Alcoholics Anonymous.
First, some background on AA.
I’m not going to give you any.
One of the tenets of the group is anonymity, and although it’s not explicitly prohibited to talk about AA outside of an AA function, it’s suggested to use your better discretion. That doesn’t mean I can stop you from doing your own, ahem, research. I won’t be mentioning anyone’s names or retelling their stories, but I think I could on occasion include short excerpts from the AA text, or The Big Book as it’s referred to, when I feel so inclined.
Second, some background on me. I’m an Atheist. For those who know a bit about AA or just did their research, you know how much conflict that can create, especially in regards to a certain chapter of the text, ahem chapter four ahem. Excuse me.
Third, the purpose of this column. What I’d like to do with this feature is detail my experience with said conflict as I come to understand my condition and the world around me with a whole new sober light, and perhaps, eventually, give an answer to whether or not a Spiritual Awakening or an openness to an existence of supernatural intervention is necessary to get and maintain sobriety. So far, the answer’s been no, but it’s only been 80 days or so.
The dictionary defines Alcoholic as someone who suffers from Alcoholism. See also Drunkard. The same dictionary defines Alcoholism as
“A chronic disorder characterized by dependence on alcohol, repeated excessive use of alcoholic beverages, the development of withdrawal symptoms on reducing or ceasing intake, morbidity that may include cirrhosis of the liver, and decreased ability to function socially and vocationally.”
It wasn’t so bad for me, but I was on the way.
As they say, I hadn’t quite hit rock bottom, but I could see it from where I was standing.
Whenever I drank, I could not control the amount I would consume, and would usually delve into a sweet, sweet oblivion, awaking with extreme pain and discomfort and only vague recollections of the prior evening up to a certain point. When I failed to control the amount of my intake, I tried to stop completely. I was sober for 6 days before dealing with some intense and irrational cravings for drink, any drink, any cheep beer will do. Another two weeks later, I was, to my own surprise (while being not surprised at all) rationalizing a six pack of beer. A few short weeks after that, I spent all my free time on days off maintaining a buzz. It was getting in the way of everything. I had no motivation, no desire, no focus.
So I had enough.
I didn’t think I needed rehab or any kind of clinical treatment, but I definitely needed some kind of help. I sought out AA, despite the Higher Power nonsense, and the price of the treatment was right. Granted, they say God can be whatever you decide, but they still claim you need God, whatever it/he/she/they/we/you/friendship/volunteer work/yourself/jesus/vishnu/allah/adam streeter/flying spaghetti monster/whatever deity I might be forgetting happens to be or take the shape of.
This wasn’t going to fly with me. I didn’t and still don’t feel I need any supernatural intervention to maintain sobriety. Granted, I’m not that far into it, and I can see how someone might need that extra support, but I also feel they’re doing themselves a disservice by not allowing themselves to take the credit. You did this, and you alone.
That’s not entirely true. I don’t think I would have made it this far without the support of other AA members and the bi-weekly meetings I attend (one of which is for Atheists and Agnostics, thank god). Being almost 90 days in, I’m starting to see various reasons why it’s important for me, even being an Atheist, to keep going to these groups. Sometimes it’s just as simple as free coffee. Other times, it’s to hear the stories of others who had it just as bad or worse than me, and it serves as a constant reminder of what I have to lose. Mostly, it’s been an opportunity to hear stories from master storytellers, and it’s making me a better one.
I once heard someone say if you want to be a good writer, a good story teller, go hang out in any bar for about two hours, especially one full of regulars, and you’ll hear some amazing stories from some amazing storytellers. I say fuck that.
Go to AA.
Congrats on your almost-90-days, one day at a time. And I’d get that frog in your throat checked if i were you. ahem.
Good for you for having that self awareness. (My apologies for probably having made you cringe w/that line, but it’s obligatory)
The purpose of myths and gods is to help people come to terms with things they don’t understand. There’s something comforting about believing in something else and being able to turn all shit over to “them” or “it.” I think a lot of people appreciate that aspect of AA. Then there are those of us who instead constantly say “uh, yeah, but what about…” and that interferes with the spiritual healing that others experience. I am impressed that someone got smart enough to create an AA group for atheists and agnostics.
Much like the late Robert Palmer, my name is VirusWithShoes, and I’m Addicted To Love.
If only I could find some close by, I’d overdose with glee.
There is something powerful about the sharing of the experience of being human, going through similar challenges. It doesn’t have to be tied into the Higher Power idea, and shouldn’t be if one doesn’t believe in it.
F&C: Many thanks.
Llama: That’s exactly right. I definitely see people that need that something else to get them through it, and I would not deny them that. Apparently the AAAA (Alcoholics Anonymous for Atheists and Agnostics) aren’t all that uncommon, especially in bigger cities.
Virus: it only just now donned on me that Robert Palmer also did Simply Irresistible…
FM: The sharing, both sides of it, is what really helps me the most.
I’m not drinking for all of March and I feel so much better that I might just keep going. Also no coffee for me. ALso, did I mention that Adam is one of my deities?
Thanks for this. Good luck and godsp… good luck.
“What is it: is man only a blunder of God, or God only a blunder of man?” Regardless, group unity or group experience makes a fine substitute for Higher Power/Deity/Great Green Goddess. Just don’t try to out-think your program, try to live in the moment, and have the patience to allow the miracles to begin. They will. In spades. Oh yeah, and keep coming back!
Vaquero: No coffee? Now that would require all the deities ever conceived to intervene for me to do that. But yes, I definitely feel infinitely better and more productive. I’ve written more in the past three months than I did the two years prior.
BC: No, thank you. That’s effing funny.
CQT: Good to know I’m among friends. I’ll be back, ‘cuz it works if you work it.
Check out Lifering, a secular recovery group that is quite well-respected and has had some great results.
http://www.unhooked.com/index.htm
LG: Thanks for the link. It doesn’t look like they have meetings in Spokane, so I’ll be checking out an online meeting.
I once heard someone say if you want to be a good writer, a good story teller, go hang out in any bar for about two hours, especially one full of regulars, and you’ll hear some amazing stories from some amazing storytellers. I say fuck that.
SAMurai: Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m guessing that you may have already hung out in a bar for two hours, at some point in your life. Maybe even longer. Between that and your writing here, you’re on your way.
I have an undergraduate degree in Psych and as such, did an internship in a residential treatment center for alcoholics and addicts. I spent A LOT of time in AA meetings with the residents. And I have the same two conflicting conclusions that you have. One. Alcoholics Anonymous is absolutely THE way to get and stay sober. Two, the whole “God” thing is crap.
It’s tough tough tough to go to meetings and hear people continually credit God with things or say “Well I guess it was not meant to be” or “I guess God had other plans” or whatever….everything points to God.
That being said, I have never been able to figure out the sheer genius of the program. It’s just brilliant. And it works.
And I wish you continued sober success. And yes, keep going to meetings!!!!
LB: I’ve definitely spent my fair share of time in bars, and I’ve heard some amazing stories, most of which are forgotten by nights end.
Jerilyn: Nail on the head. You’ll be hearing more from me about this. I hope to have this be a continuing feature, with a new post with new thoughts every other week or thereabouts, or when I have a burning desire, so to speak.
It’s funny that I should see this here because today is my two-year anniversary in AA!
See, my higher power is a prankster who loves to throw things into my path to shake me up and get my attention. The god of my understanding is a funny asshole who probably liked to do keg stands back in his undergrad days at Ohio State but now shows up at a church basement with his Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, waiting for me to show up for the meeting and not hit the snooze button again. Yeah, yeah, opiate of the masses and all that, but whatever – it keeps me sober.
Congratulations to you on sticking with the program despite your misgivings about higher power – it’s a very common sticking point for a lot of people in the program. It was for me too, and sometimes it still is. And turning my will over to a HP? Whew – very hard, but as it turned out, very rewarding in the end. When I can still manage to do it. I’m struggling with some little bullshit problem today that I can’t seem to let go of and it’s my fucking anniversary. Sigh. That “progress, not perfection” slogan they throw around? So true.
The key to accepting a higher power for me has been to not get bogged down in the religious aspect, but to keep in mind that there is something out there greater than myself, even if that just means the world at large or the group in the room. It helps me keep my perspective and an open mind.
The best part is that if you just keep showing up for meetings and keep talking honestly about what’s going on with you, misgivings and all, you really do get better. I can truly say that I’m a better person today than I was two years ago. My obsession with alcohol is gone, at least for today, and I actually care about the people and things around me. Two years ago, I don’t think I cared about anything. I didn’t want to live, but I was too scared to die. It was hell.
Last word of advice: Get a sponsor if you haven’t already. It really makes a huge difference. This is coming from a person who hates authority figures, so trust me, it really works.
Thank you for telling your story to us here. And congratulations on nearing the 90-day mark!
Vox: I think I know your higher power, or at least someone related to him. Also, thanks so much for sharing with me. I took a leap of faith, pardon the expression, by bringing my experience here, and it’s a great relief to know I’m not alone.
Also, I wish like hell every goddamn day there were a Dunkin’ Donuts in this town. They’ve got coffee shops galore, two on every block, but no Dunkin’ Donuts.
YIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe!!!!!@@!!!!@!!!
{insert girly piercing scream and unseemly jumping up and down}
Happy Birthday Vox! Just look H.O.W. beautifully you’ve grown; there is no greater gift I could wish for you than this happy, joyous, and free life.
Samuri, you’ll take these stale brownies and that tarry coffee and learn to suck the juice of sobriety off them just like millions before you. Hurmph, Dunkin’ Fancy Donuts. I tell you, kids in recovery these days…
One day, I’ll buy you both a cup of coffee and tell you about my redneck God…
@Samurai @Curly: Thanks to both of you! And yes, that AA coffee is, um, something, but it does its purpose.
Curly, I would love to hear about your redneck God. In my mind, he’s named Bubba.
Vox, he replaced Santa God. I only hope that there isn’t some future Malibu Barbie God doll waiting to participate in in my life…
Vox, CQT: If we ever manage to cross the grass of this ever-fading earth and meet, the Coffee is on me. And I buy the good stuff. We can discuss Santa God, redneck God, future Malibu Barbie God doll, and the new redneck Malibu Barbie Santa hybrid I just got an image of… perhaps due to the recent caption this post.
Seriously though, what do you guys think about a Wordsmoker AA meeting in the chatroom? Open to all, brew your own coffee so it doesn’t suck, no hallowed halls of the Methodist church down the street, people being so nice it hurts your teeth sometimes but you’re nice back because you sincerely appreciate it… but I forgot about the seventh tradition… guess we could just put an extra dollar in the basket at our face meetings… umm… so… yeah. What do you guys think?
I’m a huge believer in AA Eskimos, so I’m pretty open to any sort of meeting with you guys, anytime. But, I also feel like we’d make many others a little squirmy in the chatroom, much as if we decided to have a meeting in our local tavern.
Either hold it early, before the Chatzy party starts or on a different internet chat (yahoo, skype) perhaps?
I got sober in a men’s homeless shelter, chain smoking and drinking non-stop rotgut java swill; it just goes to show the strength of the program that others can somehow manage to find sobriety in clean, well-lighted places.
@Samurai: I’d be willing to try it. The only thing is that my work hours change all the time, but if I’m off at the time of the meeting, I’ll do it.
Ask Virus what he thinks – he’s the man in charge.
Virus is your higher power?
Good points. I think I may have gotten a bit ahead of myself. Between work, school starting soon, and how much time I spend writing I don’t think I’d be able to stay consistent with an online meeting. It seems just the back and forth in the comments of an Alive In The Public Eye post work pretty well. Posting in itself has been a good step for me.
And honestly, just knowing you guys are on here is effing cool.
That’s a great story, CQT. I stopped drinking five days before I went to Las Vegas for a wedding. I feel like it was the first time I had ever experienced the city. An amazing experience.