“Dildo Barn” by Gary Burghoff

Dildo Barn by Gary Burghoff.  A new experience in culture.  A beautiful canvas. Note the delicate shading and coloration on the dildos as they spill from the barn, and the dappling of sunshine across the rafter beams clearly visible through the door. Burghoff has outdone himself with Dildo Barn, and this work will surely stand as a resounding answer to the question, “Can Radar Paint?”

High bidder also wins dinner with the affable M*A*S*H star.

Going once…going twice…

And we have a winner!  Myra Lilly of Gingko Lane Road!  Congratulations, Myra!

Myra’s been so lonely since her boyfriend King Can moved out.  We join her and her evening already in progress…

Let me brush your hair, Gary.  There, there…don’t be such a silly fool.  Shhhhhh…

She hoists him over her shoulder and carries him fireman style up the stairs.  In the bathroom he’s propped on the toilet as she fills the tub with warm water.

Gently placed in the bath, fully clothed, Gary remains still and silent as Myra produces a can of chili beans from her bathrobe pocket and pours the contents in with him.

She exits and returns a few minutes later with a plastic shopping bag.  She dumps spaghetti into the tub.  Then a cabbage, and three cucumbers. The vegetables bob near Gary’s knees, the spaghetti floats throughout.

Myra peels a carrot.  Carrot slivers across his face.  A carton of eggs, making a show of breaking them.  See?  I can do it with one hand, love.

Yolk glazes his hair and face, mixing with the water.  Through the ketamine haze, Gary Burghoff wonders if this kind of life is really worth living.  I wish I was better with money, he thinks.

Don’t worry, she says. You’ll be quite safe here in the dark on Dracula’s mountain.

She empties a bottle of olive oil onto his head and begins to shampoo the mess into his hair.

You know, it creeps midgets out when you touch them on the throat with wet fingers, she says.  But you’re not really a midget, are you? You’re just tiny!  My wee man.

Myra’s eye catches something out the bathroom window, and she squeals with joy. Why, it’s the famous fast food clown! Hey, it’s Ronald McDonald! Hey, Ronald!  How many babies did you shake today?  Chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry? How many babies did you shake?

Myra waves crazily through the window.  Is there any other way for Myra to wave?

Ronald McDonald is approaching Myra’s driveway, muttering to himself:  Wearing human skin. Chinese human skin. Got it in Chinatown. Damn right. Looking good. Minimizing outstanding vulgarities. Minimizing outstanding vulgarities, gotta do that, that’s what this is.

It’s gonna be all right, Ronald says, giving himself a pep talk. It’s gonna be all right. You’re gonna meet a lot of new people, make a lot of new friends. You look good, looking good. Wearing human skin. Chinese human skin. Got it in Chinatown.

Party for Gary Burghoff…that’s a new low in a lifetime of lows. Lowdown. I’m a terrible clown, let’s face it.

Myra swings wide the door and greets him. Welcome! The party’s upstairs! Can I offer you anything? Would you like something to drink?

Ronald McDonald accepts a small waxy cup of orange drink. His own picture leers at him from the cup. The dizziness already overwhelms as he follows Myra up the stairs on rubber legs. He barely hears as she sings: How many babies did you shake today? How many babies did you shake?

She opens the bathroom door and the clown looks into Gary Burghoff’s unblinking eyes. Ronald stumbles toward the bath mat, knees buckling as all light goes silver. “I’m wearing human skin!” he blurts, pitching forward into a heap on the floor.

Dildo Barn by Gary Burghoff. A new experience in culture!