What I’ve Learned In This Sucky Economy
Published: December 23, 2008
Just over eight years ago I left my previous job with a 401K worth about $10,000, courtesy of a generous matching program by my former employer. Even back then, I realized that the company’s match – more than 50 cents for every dollar invested – was pretty damned good. I remember thinking, “Dayum, where’d they get all this CASH from?” Those days are long over, of course. In fact, many companies are doing away with 401k matches entirely.
Which just seems like all sorts of fucked up, but hey, to preserve its bottom line, a company’s gotta do what a company’s gotta do – like, for instance, cutting back on opportunities to get drunk and dirty dance with your colleagues.
But other things are happening thanks to America and the rest of the world going bankrupt (except for the Big Three, natch). Whether or not these develop into trends remains to be seen. At least it’s not so much like watching Nero fiddle while Rome burns. Maybe.
Even rich people need debt relief – and have no shame in relieving themselves!
Hillary Clinton, who loaned herself major buckage to run what was ultimately a successful campaign for the Secretary of State post, forgave her own debt so she no longer had to worry about that $13.2 million monkey on her back. For those of you keeping tabs at home – a home you probably can’t afford anymore, BTW – Hillary just ate $13.2 million, plus another $77,000 in interest. Ha ha, it’s during tough economic times like this that you want to remind the poors of just how filthily rich you and your husband really are!
People will still pay real money to see Bon fucking Jovi in concert.
2.2 million of you gave love a bad name to the tune of $210 million dollars, making Bon Jovi’s “Lost Highway” tour the most successful concert series this year. Overall, the concert industry grossed $4 billion worldwide, the most successful haul to date.
“Overall, it’s been a pretty good year for touring,” said Ray Waddell, who covers the industry for Billboard. “I’d never say it’s recession-proof, but it’s resilient.”
In North America, the average box office gross was up 18 percent and the average attendance up 6.3 percent.
Waddell goes on to say that concerts are “pretty affordable.” Um, what?
Even the IRS feels sorry for your broke ass.
Reports the AP: “The IRS says its collections from audits and other reviews fell this year for the first time in a decade as the agency shifted some resources to ensure that people got their economic stimulus checks.” Of course, those economic stimulus checks are courtesy of you, the taxpayer, so essentially all the Internal Revenue Service does here is ask to be the middleman in your self-circlejerk. Just come as you are.
Even the vaunted Japanese, with their “innovation” and “Priuses”, aren’t immune.
Toyota announced today that it would post its first operating loss in 70 years. That’s, like, even before Japan attacked Pearl Harbor! When it came to electronics, auto manufacturing, glorified coffins and other useless stuff, Japanese quality proved hard to beat, except for that little moment of self-doubt a couple of years ago that the Times miraculously documented. But so far, Toyota sales in the U.S. are down more than 13% in 2008. Ha ha, the Japanese are becoming just as sucky at this “car” thing as Americans? Well, maybe not.
Despite the setback, the automaker is still poised to pull ahead of its main U.S. rival, General Motors Corp., to become the No. 1 world carmaker in 2008, industry watchers said. Toyota reported it sold 7.05 million cars worldwide during the first nine months of the year, compared with 6.66 million for GM for the same period.
Oh, darn. And just to rub it in, Toyota’s president Katsuaki Watanabe is, like, daring Detroit to go to the gym:
“We must change to become more slim, muscular and flexible.”
Oh SHIT America, dude just called y’all fat!!! So you know what you have to do. That’s right. Buy a Ford.
Besides the economy, you know what else sucks? I think you do.
and
Jonas Brothers??
Now now, Monkeyrash, I know you’re sensitive about the Bon Jovi stuff, so for the record, I’ve recently begun to like that song about the union worker on the dock or whatever. Here’s an XS Bon Jovi tee you can wear tonight. Are we cool now?
Why is this shirt wet? It’s cold here, you could have thrown it in the dryer first. Geez, what were you thinking?
Oops. I should be clear. I meant to say I think you know what else sucks. I don’t think you suck. Clearly, it is I who suck, especially when trying to make flirty comments.
I’m suspending my commenting privileges now.
Talk about unfortunate order of words!
Bon Jovi proved that Samson’s strength was in his hair.
401Ks are going the same way as Y2Ks. I am burying my OKs under the celler floor until this thing blows over.
Also, nice post.
By “celler”, I obviously meant “yeller.” Sorry for the typo.
Just so you know: my family shared an elevator late one night with Mr Spiffy Bon Jovi. One sleeping babe in my arms, the other older child flipping out because Mr Bon Jovi had pressed our floor button for us, not letting our 6 yr old do it. And when she flips, she fucking flips. Even in a large room all the energy of all things becomes concentrated on her existence. He looked down at her and smiled, let her press the button for his floor. So I LOVE HIM. Nice guy.
Vaq: I hereby take back everything bad I’ve ever said or thought about Jonathan Hendrickson “Bon” Jovi. (Even if that ISN’T his real name.)
I would never pay real money to see Bon fucking Jovi in concert. I like to watch my porn at home.
Meg: nowadays, who doesn’t?